I like waffles

Firstly, let me apologize for my lack of posts in the past couple of days. I am in the middle of changing jobs and shit is a bit crazy. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

So apparently watermelon is about to become pretty damned popular with people who have erectile dysfunction or anyone wanting some ‘viagra like’ action. This article states that watermelon can give you some of the very same benefits as Viagra. I don’t know about you but I think I’m going to buy me a big old hunk of watermelon. Now if they could just grow some oranges that had the same benefits as Extenze and some apples that had the same benefits as Cyalis I would probably become a vegetarian!

Well, this Ask Fitz question is definitely a loaded one (with silicone). But let’s take a stab at it anyway OK? OK. The infamous Krys Lee asks:

Hi Fitz,
My question is, do you believe that fake tits are as attractive as real ones?

This is obviously something that is subjective and many people will have different answers. Can fake boobs be as attractive as real ones? Sure! Do most women get over zealous when getting a boob job? YES! Most men, in my opinion, do not want their ideal partner to have Triple F tits. They are not fun, attractive or useful. They draw attention, get in the way and are just plain unattractive.

Most women are so busy listening to society tell them that they’re boobs are too small that they can’t hear men telling them they look fantastic just the way they are. I had been in relationships with women with boobs from large to tiny. All were real and all were fantastic. That being said, I don’t think it’s terrible if a woman wants a boob job to boost her self esteem. Just don’t make yourself look ANYTHING like the pictures below.

Erika of http://spillitnow.blogspot.com fame fame asks:

Question Fitz,

Since this is Toilet scribble dot com, have you ever filmed form the bathroom, or god forbid the toilet? If not, why don’t you give it a go!

Actually Erika, I have done it and I don’t know why I do not do it more often. here ya go:

Also, I will start filming my new videos from the shitter as well. You’re right, it’s ToiletScribble.com not standinyourbedroom.com

I just happened to stumble on an article about a recent rash of grave robbing incidents across the nation. It is apparently attributed to the lagging economy and the rising price of scrap metal. Brass is apparently what most vases are made out of in cemeteries. Who knew? Anyway, there was a quote in the story that made me think “Go fuck yourself douche bag”.

“I can’t think of anything lower,” said David Evans, general manager for Valhalla Gardens of Memory in Belleville. “Nothing’s worse than stealing from the dead.”

Really? Nothing is worse than stealing from the dead? How about stealing from the fucking living?? The interesting thing about stuff belonging to dead people is that they cannot use it. Why? Cause they’re FUCKING DEAD!! Is it disrespectful to steal from the dead, immoral and despicable? Absolutely! But there are far worse things that one can do.

Imagine hearing the following two things and tell me which one you think is worse.

You walk into your house and one of your loved ones has a very serious face on. they sit you down and say “Last night someone broke into the cemetery and stole the lovely brass vase from Grandma’s grave”.

or………

You walk into your house and one of your loved ones has a very serious face on. they sit you down and say “Last night someone broke into the cemetery and dug up Grandma’s grave and shit on her skull and then apparently performed a sex act with her right femur”.

Why do people always feel the need to exaggerate something bad and make it sound like the worst thing ever? Sometimes I wish I lived on an island with no people and just a few colorful birds that talked. Oh and lots of fish so I could eat. OK and maybe a few Amazon women.

The ask fitz link has been lighting up in the past few days and I can barely keep up. So let’s get one out of the way shall we? Yes we shall.

Cory, from http://www.these-are-words.blogspot.com/ asks the following:

Question Fitz, have you ever been to a rave? If you have, how was it? And if you haven’t, why the fuck not?

And do you have any tips for making a blog more popular? (other than “Make more posts, dumbshit)

A rave huh? Well first off, I love techno, house, hard house, deep trance, hard trance, break beat, etc, etc. I think it’s because I play the drums and most electronic based music revolves around the beat. I also love songs that can take you somewhere in your head and actually change your mood, songs that you connect with emotionally. For example, I can listen to Pantera and actually feel like I want to rip someone’s fucking head off. I can listen to a hard house track by Commander Tom and at times feel the hair raising on my arms and back.

Now I don’t know if this qualifies as a ‘rave’ in the true sense of the word but I have gone to Ibiza. Not only that but I went there specifically for the music. This was in 2000 and it was AMAZING. There was literally 24/7 music events at hundreds of clubs and each one had a several famous DJs spinning. From Armand Van Buuren to Danny Tenaglia to Tiesto to Sasha and Digweed. It was insane!! And the clubs there are something you have to witness to appreciate.

There was one night at Club Manumission where the DJ was spinning from a platform that was in the middle of an Olympic sized swimming pool. He had some crazy trance song going with a huge breakdown in the middle. The song built back up to a furious crescendo and just before he kicked it back in the house lights went dark, several thousand people lit sparklers, the DJ looked at the crowd of nearly 9000 people, threw his hands up in the air and then swung them down as he kicked the track back in. THE PLACE ERUPTED!!! No drugs needed….pure musical ‘high’.

As for how to make a blog more popular, hmmm don’t really know. I think the main thing is to just be yourself. Don’t even try to make it popular. If you have whacky shit on your mind just write it down, post it and let it fly. If you want to try to get some good traffic you can submit your stuff to stumbleupon or digg.com or any of those social networking sites. Also, encourage people to comment and make sure you engage people in the comments. I mean after all a blog is more of a discussion than anything right? Otherwise just keep a diary lol.

So Christina Aguilera is the new face of the ‘Rock the Vote’ campaign. You know, that campaign that takes uninformed famous people and ask them to try to convince uninformed young people into ‘rocking the vote’? They’d have to be uninformed young people right? I mean an informed person would already want or not want to vote for a specific reason or reasons.

Well I think Christina Aguilera should stick to wearing skimpy clothes and showing me her snatch every once and a while on TMZ. Why in the fuck would anyone want to have Christina Aguilera give them advice on politics? If I needed advice on how to look like a dirty tramp I would totally ask Christina. If I needed singing advice I would also ask her. But voting? Is it possible she even knows who is running?

I’ll tell you one thing though, I would rock my vote on those huge fucking titties of hers in a heartbeat. I’d name the left one Obama and the right one McCain and trust me, I would make those fuckers debate the issues. I’d put my ‘debate moderator’ in between them and go to town.

Seriously though, it’s fun to watch the political process but it’s also quite frustrating to watch this kind of stupidity.

My kids are getting this wallpaper if I ever have them.

If Bill O’Reilly died a painful death live on the air I would probably pop some popcorn, open a bottle of wine and watch with a huge shit eating grin. That’s probably not going to happen unfortunately. I have however, found Bill to be a useful entity. I explain why in this video.