Ask Fitz

Dear Fitz: How Can I Be Cool Like You?

05.13.08 | View Comments

Ms Shortcake asked me the following question:

Dear Fitz,

I’ve just begun to read your blog. It is witty, entertaining and full of useful tips.

With that in mind, can you tell me how I can achieve the level of coolness which comes to you so effortlessly? While I don’t think women suffer from douchebagery on the level which men do, I want to rise above and be the coolest girl on the interweb.

Thanks in advance!

Well Shortcake you are on the right track already. You have two things going for you that I can see right off the bat. Number one, you are on toiletscribble.com. Number two, you recognize my superiority and and look up to me the way a baby polar bear looks up to it’s mother. One day you will be a vicious meat eating animal just like me but I am afraid you will never be as awesome.

Have you ever seen the movie “Mommie Dearest”? If so do you remember the part where Faye Dunaway is swimming with her inferior daughter and she beats her at it? Then she tells her “I am bigger and faster than you. You will never beat me”. Well, think along those lines. You can definitely be awesome and you may even already be awesome but to reach MY level of awesomeness is unattainable and I suggest you stop trying. please see the chart below for a visual guide to your maximum awesomeness as compared to my current (yet increasing) awesomeness.

awesomeness chart

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  • Joker

    Fitz, my deluded pet fish. You left out all the cool bars.

    For the Viewing public: The rest of the graph.
    http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/7096/graphoh7.png

    Enjoy.

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    Oh my dear joker surely you jest. Actually, your name is Joker so it’s obvious that you jest…right?

    Your graph is impressive but full of holes. Chuck Norris blows. He always has and he always will. I challenge that pussy to come to this blog and prove he is better than me. I agree with where you put ninjas but you failed to realize that I am a ninja. Watch this….I am going to disappear…

  • Joker

    Oh em gee where did he go?! I’m fucking getting out of here.

    Oh. And Chuck Norris would kick your ass with his eyelid. While sleeping.

    (Actually he does suck but yer not allowed to say that on the internet.)

    And do you honestly think my name is Joker? Where I come from the call me… THE Joker. (Fucktard.)

  • Joker

    Also: My graph cannot be wrong. Look at the cool font! LOOKATIT!

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    Your font is awesome. but your information is just plain wrong.

    Were you just quoting Full Metal Jacket? You don’t want to challenge me to a movie quote war because it will get ugly up in this bitch.

    Oh and again….fuck Chuck norris. I think I am going to write a post about how much ass he sucks. Maybe the internets will break but fuck it.

  • Joker

    1) No I wasn’t. In fact (and I am ashamed to admit it) I’ve never seen full metal jacket.

    2) I’d kick your ass at a movie quote war *any* day

    3) He does suck. But if you’re going to insult the internet (Which is the only thing that makes Chuck Norris cool) PLEASE for the love of god take down those LOLCats.

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    You haven’t seen the movie but you will win a quote war? You should team up with Chuck Norris and call yourselves ‘The something witty here Twins”

    LOLCATS do indeed also suck ass. I’m in the mood to rant so look out.

  • Joker

    *Dramatic music plays*

    Also, you should think about installing a public chat thing here… It’s easy enough and you, me and julie are currently commenting in like 4 posts at once so… yea.

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    I had a chat thingy and nobody used it except for someone named ‘fat ugly hooker’. I can bring it back perhaps. I am in the process of redesigning the site as I type.

  • Joker

    Yes bring it back.Now that *I* am here, it will rock. Or as you might say in the interwebz – pwn.

  • Ryan

    I agree CN sucks balls. The only quote of his that I can think of is “Bartender, I’ll have a milk too.” Then Johnathan Brandis killed himself. Seriously, have you ever watched Walker, Tejas Ranger? When I was staying with my uncle he couldn’t get enough of that show an Nash Bridges. I wanted to Brandis myself after a week. Every episode is the exact same, and Norris never comes close to losing. It’s “Bully picks on a town, Ranger comes in, bully takes town hostage, Walker uses Karate against thugs with guns, somehow doesn’t get hurt at all, saves town.” Occasionally they throw drugs in there, but it’s the same retarded story. I never found the CN jokes funny because I couldn’t stand him before the jokes. LOL sorry about using your blog to rant Fitz. I tend to feed off of others who agree.
    -Ryan

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    Ryan – Rant away my friend. This blog is open to random ramblings!

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