Toilet Scribble

The internet is an amazing place and those that try to deny that or convince you otherwise are most likely sad pathetic termagants hellbent on ruining fun for everyone at every turn. The internet is much like Manhattan in New York City. You see, Manhattan is unable to ever be fully explored. Just as you think you have done it all it has all changed and you have to start all over again. This is why Manhattan attracts the most interesting people.

The internet obviously will never be fully explored either. Every day I learn, laugh or listen to something new. I tend to focus on the laughing though as it happens to be a passion of mine. When it comes to laughing the internet is no joke (PUNS!!!). There are just so many ways to laugh at and on the internet it boggles the noggin.

Ninety nine percent of people tend to passively laugh on the internet. That is, they watch a video on youtube or read something funny and have a chuckle or a giggle or perhaps even a spit take. Most of the time I too passively participate in laughing on the internet. But lately I have found that it is a lot more fun to actively participate in the jokes themselves. Whether it is responding to a scam email with excited interest or using a ‘text to voice operator’ to prank call someone (forcing the operator to say things like “John has the box of used butt plugs and needs to know if you are still interested in the purchase”) it is always more funny if you are in on the joke.

So today I received a random instant message from someone named Elmasassi. I don’t know if my email address was added to some weird website or what but I have had an influx of non-english speaking people IMing me. I haven’t bothered to translate what they are saying or ask how they got my name and I usually just ignore or block them. But today was different. I was in the mood for a good chuckle and decided to start chatting up this random internet stranger.

At first I just wanted to see if I could piss the person off at the other end but I quickly realize there was a serious communication gap. It then turned into an exercise in futility, how long the person would continue to talk knowing full well that there was no real communication going on? Much longer than I thought it would that is for sure. I’m not proud of the fact that I wasted a half hour of my life talking to someone who did not understand a thing I said. It was worth the laugh I got out of it.

What Follows may or may not be funny at all. It was funny for me and really that’s all I care about. If you read it and do not laugh feel free to hit up the contact page and send me a nasty-gram.  I’ll be sure to file your email under ‘empty threats and other worthless junk’.

Have a great day.

[18:58] elmasassi: bonsoir

[18:58] john: hey what’s up you old dirty douche nozzle
[18:58] john: how are the kids?
[18:59] elmasassi: tkaysi 3lina chewiya
[19:00] john: get the fuck outta here? Did she try valtrex? I heard it helps. Just make sure you double bag that thang for a while LOLOL
[19:03] elmasassi: daba neti khasni m3ak motarjim
[19:04] john: not today. but I caught three last week. Had a big bluefish on the line too but it managed to get off before I could get the net down. You want to take the boat out next week and do a little ‘fishing’ you old sailor you?
[19:04] elmasassi: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[19:04] elmasassi: bay
[19:04] john: best letter ever bro.
[19:05] john: oh H bay
[19:05] john: I shop there sometimes
[19:05] elmasassi:
[19:06] john: totally buddy. you play the motorboat on those tig ole bitties? brrrrrumpskie!!
[19:06] elmasassi: ti ki
[19:07] john: tiki tiki is right you old dirty dog
[19:07] john: save some of that stuff for me
[19:07] elmasassi: save some of that stuff for me
[19:07] elmasassi: hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[19:07] john: EXACTLY
[19:07] john: holy fuck I taught you to speak english
[19:08] john: you’re quite the quick learner you old dirty dick you
[19:08] elmasassi: nn franche
[19:08] john: Naughty Nina franchie?
[19:08] john: she’s out of prison?
[19:09] elmasassi: tu es d’ou
[19:09] john: hot damn
[19:09] john: give me her number
[19:09] elmasassi: vous ete marocain ou koi
[19:10] john: dude don’t be all greedy with the digits. I hooked your ass up with her in the first place
[19:10] john: now give me the number
[19:11] elmasassi: je comprend pa
[19:11] john: bullshit
[19:11] john: you comprehend just fine you french tickler you
[19:11] john: look
[19:12] john: if you arent gonna give me naughty nina’s number know now that neither of your nephews will ever nuzzle another noggin
[19:13] elmasassi: je ss tres dsl je ne comprend pa
[19:13] john: call me and lets discuss like gentlemen 917-720-4213
[19:13] elmasassi: si koi ca
[19:13] john: and dont call me PA
[19:13] john: I aint your father
[19:14] john: koi?
[19:14] john: you still playing with those stupid fish?
[19:14] john: why dont you do something with your life
[19:15] elmasassi: kelle ville tu es abité
[19:15] john: nah
[19:15] john: I had a bite before I came online
[19:15] john: thanks though
[19:18] elmasassi: thanks though
[19:18] john: no problem ass mangler
[19:18] john: you want fries with that?
[19:19] elmasassi: thanks
[19:19] john: sure thing
[19:19] john: that will be 4.95 please
[19:19] john: drive through sir
[19:19] john: sir?
[19:19] john: drive up please?
[19:20] Meebo Message: elmasassi is offline
[19:20] Meebo Message: elmasassi is online
[19:21] elmasassi: no I dont. I think my eyes look crooked I mean look at this one. its even worse.
[19:21] john: I see that but can you please drive up so I can give you your fries?
[19:21] john: you silly little ass clown
[19:22] elmasassi: koi
[19:22] john: koi yes
[19:22] john: its a fish sandwich you want?
[19:23] john: you’re holding up the line sir
[19:24] elmasassi:
[19:25] john: sir, please just order and drive up
[19:25] john: I’m calling the manager
[19:28] john: seriously though buddy
[19:28] elmasassi: coocoo
[19:28] john: can I post this on my blog?
[19:28] john: coocoo for coco puffs?
[19:29] elmasassi: comme tu veux
[19:29] john: that means yes?
[19:30] john: or does that mean you want to do the slap and tickle with a kosher pickle?
[19:30] elmasassi: dsl
[19:30] john: I have cable
[19:30] elmasassi: dssssssssssssssssssllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
[19:30] john: dsl is cool
[19:30] john: yes Dssssssssssssssssssllllllllllllllllllll go VERIZON!!!!
[19:31] elmasassi: dssssssssssssssslllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
[19:31] john: dsl yes
[19:31] john: we are getting somewhere now
[19:31] john: the communication gap is closing
[19:31] elmasassi: im soryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
[19:31] john: dont be sorry
[19:31] john: it happens to a lot of guys
[19:31] john: viagra could help
[19:32] john: but Im not saying you HAVE to take it
[19:32] john: perhaps we should talk about it?
[19:32] elmasassi: ta photo
[19:33] john: ta photo of what?
[19:33] john: I have photos of used cars
[19:33] elmasassi: photo de toi
[19:33] john: do you want some?
[19:33] elmasassi: voila si moi
[19:33] elmasassi: att
[19:33] john: att ?
[19:34] john: I thought you used verizon dsl?
[19:36] elmasassi: tu ma regarder
[19:36] john: regarder?
[19:37] john: Is that the device you were telling me about? the invention?
[19:37] elmasassi: et toi ta photo
[19:38] john: toi ta photo? My french is a bit rusty trombone but does that mean potato?
[19:40] elmasassi: bay a demain
[19:40] elmasassi: ok
[19:40] john: ok
[19:40] john: bay a demian it is
[19:41] elmasassi: (F)
[19:41] elmasassi: bay
[19:41] john: f bay
[19:41] john: yes
[19:41] john: we covered this
[19:41] john: dude there is way more stuff on E bay
[19:41] john: just one letter different could change your whole life
[19:41] elmasassi: bay
[19:42] Meebo Message: elmasassi is offline