Someone said to me the other day “Why don’t you put up a donate button, I’m sure people would toss you a buck or two?”. I thought about it but I hated the idea. To me it seems like virtual begging and I don’t like begging. In fact, if I am ever homeless I’m pretty sure I am going to be fucked because I just don’t have that ‘ask for change’ gene in my DNA.

But then it hit me while I was sick in bed the other day…what if they were not donating but actually BUYING something? Hmmmmm. Well what could you buy? I mean I have a bunch of crap laying around my apartment that I don’t need but that’s what E-Bay is for. So I decided to come up with a list of things you can buy from me and of course a set of prices. So here we go:

ONE DOLLAR:

For the small price of $1.00 you get to choose. You can provide me with the email address of someone you hate and the reasons you hate them and I will send them an email (500 words minimum) telling them why they suck. Or, you can give me their phone number (I will not post the number) and I will call them and give them a piece of my (well your) mind.

FIVE DOLLARS:

Five dollars is a lot of money to give some random guy on the internet and I do not expect it to ever happen. But crazier shit has happened in my life so screw it. For $5 I will write a blog post about anything you want and it will include at least one picture (Im not an artist so its going to be a stick figure probably). And when I say anything I mean anything. Did your boyfriend just breakup with you over txt message? Did you just have the worst case of diarrhea ever? Did you find a picture of a family member naked on the internet? Is your favorite word ‘Termagant’? Well, I’ll write a post about it and include your name if you so choose.

You will also get put on my list of scribblers (I obviously do not have this page set up yet since I have not even put up the donation page duh). The list will just be a list of people who have donated and if you choose, a link to your website or blog or your stupid myspace page or whatever.

TEN DOLLARS:

Wow, now we are talking serious money so we have to get a little more serious. What will I do for $10 dollars? Well, to be honest there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for ten bucks but since I have to quantify it somehow lets try this. For ten dollars I will do or TRY TO DO an activity of your choosing and film it and post it on the blog. What do I mean by activity? Well, for example I will eat a spoonful of cinnamon, drink a gallon of milk in under a minute, fart in a pillow and then bury my face in it, etc. Use your imagination and come up with something.

A few rules on the $10 prize though. I will not get naked for you or do anything ‘highly’ illegal. And by highly I mean I will not do anything that will get me tossed in jail. If you tell me to piss on a fire hydrant like a dog fine but I am not pissing on a cop. I also will not do anything that requires me to spend more than $10 dollars. For example if you tell me to electrocute my balls with one of those really big batteries I will but if the battery costs $11 then it is not going to happen. I don’t mind spending the entire amount of money you donated but I won’t go OVER that amount.

FIFTY DOLLARS:

Now we are entering ’serious business’ territory. Notice that I skipped right over $20 dollars and $25 dollars which both seemed like they could have their own categories but if you are crazy enough to give $20 you are crazy enough to give $50 so screw it.

For $50 dollars I will create a sub domain for you on my site and write a blog post about you once per week for 6 months. That means if your name is meathead you will be able to go to http://meathead.toiletscribble.com and have your own personal web space where I write about YOU!! You can even tell me what to write or just give me ideas on what you would like me to write. Want some fantastic testimonials that you can show to your friends? Done! Want me to write about your sexual prowess? Done! Want me to post pictures of you naked? Not going to happen but if you are attractive and female please send the photos regardless and I will put them to good use.

ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS:

I am running out of ideas here so firstly let’s say this, if you are donating $100 dollars to a website you are a special person and probably a little insane. But I like insane people since I am insane myself. So…for $100 you get to have everything that has already been mentioned previously from $1 to $50. That’s option one.

Option two is you get to go out for a drink with me in New York City. Air fare, should it be required, is not included nor is lodging. However, I will buy the first three rounds of drinks and you can order top shelf (just don’t get ridiculous, I’m not buying you a $400 glass of wine). You can pick the time and place or if you do not know the area very well I will pick. This option is open to both men and women and should NOT be considered a date. It will just be drinks and we can shoot the shit or you can tell me your life story. I am not a therapist but I will act like one if you want me to and I will even offer some advice as to how you can make your life better. I will stay out drinking with you until you use your three drink maximum or until you become completely boring (don’t worry I won’t actually tell you that you were boring).

ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS OR MORE:

Can you imagine? Someone that I do not know that found my site and loved it so much that he or she wanted to donate $1000 or more?? I’m a realist and I know that this will never happen but I am also a dreamer and I’m going to write this section merely as an effort to keep the dream alive.

For the low low price of $1000 dollars (or more) you get the works. What is included in the works? Hmm, let’s see. First off you obviously get everything already mentioned that the other donations could get you but I need to go way beyond all that for someone like you so….

To start, if you are crazy enough to give me $1000 or more I will, in addition to all the above things do one of the following:

1. Get your name tattooed on my ass. It will be very small but completely legible. It has to be small just in case a LOT of people decide to choose this option. If by some chance I run out of room on my ass because of the massive volume of donations I am receiving I will let you pick another area of my body but it will have to be somewhere that cannot be seen when I am fully clothed. I do not need to explain in an interview why I have seven people’s names on my forehead.

2. Become your personal blogger. This would mean I would register a domain name of your choice (I will incur the costs) and setup a blog much like toilet scribble and blog about you daily for one full year. That is a minimum of one post daily and a minimum of 250 words per post. The subject matter can be anything you want. Perhaps it can be a blog where I write you a daily inspirational message to help you get your day started. Or maybe you want me to just write a daily post about how awesome you are.

How cool would it be to tell your friends to go to that website? They’d say “Is this your website?” and you can tell them “Yeah, I have a personal blogger, you want me to tell him to write about you tomorrow?”. Just as a conversation piece alone it’s worth the money but if you do not like the idea let’s go to option number three.

3. I will be your online puppet for two hours. How will this work you ask? well it will work much the same way those video sex chat rooms work but there will be no nakedness and no cyber sex (unless you are hot as hell). Basically I stand in front of a web cam for two hours straight and you (and your friends if you like) get to tell me what to do. “Bark like a dog, jump up and down, do a Christopher Walken impersonation”, you can type or shout out anything and I will do it. This option can also be done in 10 minute intervals or whatever intervals you are comfortable with. So if you want to order me around for 5 minutes a day that’s fine. once we get to 2 hours though we’re done.

4. I will make you my personal God. Have you always thought you were a God but you didn’t have any followers? Well now you do. And being a God does have it’s privileges. I will pray to daily via email and if you choose to you can answer my prayers or deny them or do what you want with them…YOU are the God not me. I will change my religion officially to whatever name you decide to call it. I will come up with a daily religious ritual or you can come up with it for me and I will do it every day. Want me to face to the north east every day at 4:16PM and say “Hubba Hubba I like to scrubba scrubba my wubba wubba”? Fine I will do it. I will put my full faith in you.

Keep in mind that the religion you create has to be tolerant of other religions as I fully expect this offer to draw quite a few people. I could end up being in 20 or 30 different religions so just keep that in mind.

Disclaimer:

This page is meant to be more fun than anything else. Will I accept your donations if you send them? Of course I will. Will I do what I offered above? Of course I will. I just want to put this disclaimer here because I know that 20 people are going to email me and say “Dude nobody is going to give you money so STFU”. I already know that nobody is going to give me money and I just wanted to make that clear. But feel free to send me a nasty email anyway as I enjoy them.