Apparently there are people out there that have never heard the term ‘donkey punch’. There are others that don’t know what a ‘Cleavland bow tie’ is. Can you believe it? I couldn’t either. So let’s get educated shall we? Let us start a journey into the land of weird sexual terms and see where it takes us. We’ll call it “Kinkology 101″.
Let’s kick off the “Kinkology” series with the word Blumby! It’s fun to say. Say it out loud real quick….blumby. Fun right? Ok let’s talk about it shall we?
How do you say goodbye to your hero? Well, I have no idea. George Carlin died at 5:55Pm yesterday and the only thing I am sure of is the world is now a lot less funny. There will be lots of articles in the coming days that will chronicle his life and explain what a comedic genius he was. And while he was a comedic genius, that title does not do him justice.To me he was so much more.
George Carlin was more of a philosopher than a comedian. His comedy made me examine my own life and laugh at things that I might not have. He made me realize what an idiot I could be for worrying about petty bullshit that in the long term was going to mean nothing. He had an ability to make me realize that I need to laugh more, live more and cry a lot less.
Carlin was a wordsmith and was able to show us the humor of certain phrases and words. More often he would point out the absurdity of such phrases. He famously examined the ‘seven dirty words’ and was arrested for saying them at a live performance. That started a nationwide discussion on free speech and in the end you still cannot say those words on radio or TV but the discussion he started continues to this day.
Anyway, it’s hard to be funny today so I will let George be funny for you. Here he is talking about death.
Rest in peace George. You will be sorely missed and never replaced.
So a youtube comment on my Southie video caught my eye today. Youtube user bionicbigfoot had this to say about me:
This Yuppie is the Poster Child for why I cannot STAND Yuppies. Go back to your leafy ‘burb, you pissant, posing wanna-be. Lemme guess..you saw GoodWillHunting as a teen and have been obsessed with my neighborhood ever since,you frigging LOSER. God, what has happened to this city?!? We used to smack assholes like you around for fun when you’d wander in here, posing your way down Broadway. Smarmy, Yuppie, posing nobody.
Well Mr. Bigfoot, first off I love the fact that you don’t like me. Why? I don’t know, I guess it makes for fun blogging. If you had said something nice I wouldn’t be writing this post so in a way it creates content! Now on to your stupid statements.
First off, who in the fuck says the word ‘yuppie’ any more? That word was popular in the early 80′s back when you were probably still thin and had all your teeth. I guess you decided that because I had on a button down shirt with a collar I must be a yuppie right? I guess coming from Southie it is easy to believe something like that since the only time you need to wear a dress shirt is for a court appearance for being drunk in public or for a funeral.
Second, I live in New York City and not a leafy burb. I grew up in a leafy burb but hey, I can’t control that any more than you can control your weight. As for Good Will Hunting….I loved that movie and still do. Good Will Hunting and The Departed are probably the only two good things to come out of Southie so it shouldn’t surprise you that I like both. But obsessed? Ummm no, I am not obsessed with an economically challenged neighborhood full of unemployed Irish drunks.
As for why you no longer beat the shit out of people like me when they stumble into your neighborhood I can only make a guess. My only logical explanation would be that you are now middle age and about 150lbs overweight and therefore a bit slow. In any event, I thank you for taking the time to comment. Perhaps if you are not too embarrassed next time you can do a video response instead of text. Coming from Southie I know how long it must take you to write so a video would be easier no?
Someone named Byron asked me the following:
Hey fitz, great site! This isn’t toilet related but what are some of your favorite music artists or songs?
Well Byron, I went over to imeem.com and created a playlist with a few of my fave songs of all time. Most are old some are new. Enjoy!
I came across what I think is a hysterical profile on OKcupid. What’s funny is the woman’s profile says only to send her a message if you meet a very, very, very specific set of criteria. The criteria is so specific that there are probably at most like 7 or 8 people on the site that are potential matches. Talk about limiting yourself lol!
So what I did was take a few things from her set of criteria and searched OKCupid for men seeking women. Specifically I searched for men 28 to 36 years old, within 10 miles of Park Slope (which was much more broad than her requirement of “NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria”). I left ethnicity and religion blank to increase the results and selected men that have been online within the last year. How many men did I find? 772! Quite a few perhaps but now let’s break it down even further based on her criteria.
Please don’t message me if we have nothing in common.
So, yeah. Go read what i’ve written about myself again, please. Save us both the time. And I mean that in the NICEST way possible. I’m sick of hitting the delete button. It’s bothersome and it makes me feel bad.
I will not reduce our man count yet. Let’s for the sake of argument say that all 772 men I found have something in common with this girl.
Chances are that you like the same music I do, are liberal, and are an artist of some sort, and aren’t shy, we’ll have a lot in common. Not necessarily romantically.
For romance/oh la la sake, take everything I just said and be thin and good lookin’ and we’re set (maybe).
Ok, we are going to have to thin the herd here but I will tip the scale in her favor just for fun. Let’s assume the following about our 772 men:
Age-Please only message me if you’re between the ages of 28 and 36. Ideally, you’ll be between 29 and 33. But, I’m definitely not robbing any cradles or dating men that are too much older than I am.
Location Only message me if you live in NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria.
We will assume all 300 are in her ideal range of 29 to 33 and live in her mandatory neighborhoods.
Looks-
-You’re slim (but don’t live in an emaciated body), working out is good, but I am not at all attracted to big muscle men, I’m not attracted to overweight men, either (post honest pictures, please).
-No suit and ties (unless you’re a mod)
-No one preppy/too clean cut or anyone who buys their jeans with holes already in the knees. Yuck.
-I like scruffy looking guys. Messy hair, unshaven (but no beards, please), tattoos (sleeves are good) but no tribal tattoo shit or anything else like that. I grew up with punk rock kids,rockabilly kids and some hardcore kids. They usually had good tattoos. Of course, you don’t have to have tattoos
Height- at LEAST 5’8″. Tallest 6’5″. Ideally, you’re 5’10 to 6’2.
The herd is about to become extinct:
So there you have it, even with my very kind arithmetic this chick has only 20 awesome guys lurking on OKCupid for her to find. I have a feeling though that a weird chick like this will never find a mate. Why? She’s too fucking demanding. Could you imagine the shit she would bitch about in a relationship? The minutiae she would whine about on a daily basis would be enough to make you slice your throat with a rusty butter knife. And sex…..oh my god. The stars would have to be aligned and her partner a gymnast/therapist in order for her to achieve orgasm.
People, if you are going to try a dating site then go for it. But don’t turn your profile into a list of demands. You’re going to get hurt real fast when you find out that your perfect mate doesn’t exist.
I gotta say, I agree with whoever wrote this. I have put my lips in some interesting places but a bathroom wall isn’t on my short list of places I’ll be putting them in the future.
I was wondering to myself how far into the depths of hell I will be cast once I leave this life. I came to a realization that it might not be far enough to meet up with some of the people I am looking forward to meet down there. For example, I’m sure Kurt Cobain is very deep down there since it is a mortal sin to commit suicide. And if I want to hear Elvis sing I am sure he is pretty far into the abyss as well since he was a glutton. So, here is my attempt at getting into the good seats in hell.
I know Julie of the dating wall of shame should appreciate this video. This time around I talk about the fact that even though sex is critically important to a successful relationship dating sites ignore it almost completely.
This video is a little but all over the place but I don’t give a shit. Watch it and make some comments or I will hunt you down like the animal you are!
I received a few messages today about bloggers getting arrested for….well…blogging. Weird shit right?! One story was about the increase of arrests in countries like Egypt, China and Pakistan and another was about a US citizen that was arrested in Singapore for insulting a judge on his blog. I believe he commented that the judge was ‘prostituting herself’ and obviously I don’t think he meant it literally.
In any event, I sort of feel that I need to speak out on the subject. After all I am a blogger I guess and well, it wouldn’t make me happy if I was arrested. Granted this is not a political blog and I doubt anyone wants to arrest me for helping people identify douche bags or for posting pictures of toilet graffiti. Never the less I want to show my solidarity so here we go.
I challenge the countries of Singapore, China, Egypt and Pakistan to arrest me. Why would they do so? This is why:
1. I declare that the Chinese government is comprised solely of men with penises under one inch in length. That’s right, you are all small dicked losers that obviously cannot get it up. And hell, even if you could get it up it wouldn’t have that far to go since it’s fucking tiny. Oh, and Chinese President Hu Jintao likes to wear pantyhose under his faggy military uniform. These are indisputable facts.
2. It is a known fact that Egyptian government officials are all homosexual and love to perform fellatio on donkeys.
3. True story, Pakistan government officials watch child pornography on a daily basis and love to perform re-enactments of the two girls one cup video.
4. The judge in Singapore that had that blogger arrested is not only a prostitute but she only charges $4 for anal and will go ass to mouth for an additional fifty cents.
So there ya go. I challenge these countries to hunt me down and arrest me. I also challenge that Singapore judge to find one person that wants to have sex with her.
