Toilet Scribble

This is my favorite piece of toilet scribble yet. Perhaps I am just in a weird mood but this made me crack the fuck up.

Toiletscribble reader Helen used the Ask Fitz feature and asked a very interesting question.

Why does my vagina hurt when I touch my toe?

Well Helen, you are quite lucky as I am an amateur gynecologist. Not only that but this is quite common. What has happened is that your cli joint has been worn down and now your toris bone is touching your toe bone.

It’s sort of like that song that goes “The knee bone is connected to the….leg bone”. However in this version of the song it’s “The toris bone is connected to the ……vagina”. Anyway, my recommendation is lots of sex. Hopefully you curl your toes during sex and that should get your cli joint back into shape.

There is a huge inflatable rat outside my building in front of an Indian restaurant. It’s been nearly three months now that the union has been propping this 12 foot monster up every morning and for the life of me I do not know why.

They hand out flyers that say the restaurant has failed health inspections, that the owner has defaulted on loans, that there are rats and roaches and a few other nasty things. The funny part is they don’t mention why the union is picketing the place.

Obviously the owner is hiring non union workers in some aspect but what the fuck does that have to do with rats, roaches and bank loans? I think unions can be a great thing but shit like this pisses me off. They stand in front of the place and scare off customers in order to blackmail the owner into hiring union labor? What a bunch of fucking bozos. If you are going to picket because he is hiring non union workers then say so. Don’t pretend you are informing the public about poor health conditions because if that’s your cause you would need to picket nearly every eatery in Manhattan.

Oh and by the way, all these inflatable rats you see around the city are made by the same company and that company does NOT employ union workers.

I appreciate art. I do however have a rule a thumb when it comes to deciding if something actually IS art or not. If I can create it myself or come close it is NOT art. For example:

Sistine Chapel = Art

Random paint splatters on a canvas = NOT ART

Today at work I challenged two people to read any line from the Braveheart script and I would tell them the next line. I was not stumped once out of at least twenty attempts. I’m not proud. But it made me think about useless skills. I wonder how many other useless skills I have that I did not realize I had.

Do you have any useless skills? Please tell me about them because I want to know.

Hello all and welcome once again to ‘Ask Fitz’. Today I am fielding a question from Kyle Day who writes:

WHY DOES MY PENIS HURT?

Well Kyle, you are not giving me a lot of information here so I am going to just give you my top ten guesses. Before I begin though I would like to say that I feel for you my man. That has to suck a bit to have a penis in pain. I hope you get it straightened out.

So here you go, my ten possibilities for your painful penis.
1.You are jerking off 7 times a day. This is probably overkill and unless you stop interrogating the political prisoner so often you will continue to be in pain.
2. You accidentally cut your penis off and the pain you feel is just what they call ‘Ghost Pain’. In other words your body thinks your penis is still there but it is not. Just relax. If this is the case it will go away eventually and you will be penisless but no longer in pain. If this is what happened I am not sure why you didn’t realize that your penis was cut off.

3. While you slept someone hit you in the penis with a blunt object. You were probably drunk at the time and didn’t feel a thing but trust me….it hurt.

4. You were golfing and decided to use the ball washer in ways it was not meant to be used. Shame on you Kyle….shame.

5. You have taken an overdose of Cyallis or Viagra and your penis in not too happy with you. If you watched the commercials or read the bottle you would have known that erections lasting for more than 4 hours are not normal. You need to cut back on the meds and just get your boner the old fashioned way……porn.

6. You are wearing a rusty, sharp edged, male chastity belt. Stick to boxers.

7. Your best friend is having some sort of penis problems and you are having sympathy pains.

8. You had sex with a filthy hooker and you now have a communicable and painful disease. Always double bag the hog my friend.

9. You forgot to take off your cock ring.

10. Two words….Penis Pump.

Lindsey from omgpossum.com asks the following:

Which is better in your opinion: steak or sex?

Wow, tough question. Let’s take them one at a time. So you sit down with a nice piece of meat. You stare at it for a bit. You look at how juicy it is. You slice into into it. You put it in your mouth. You close your eyes and groan because it tastes so fucking good. Now let’s talk about steak.

But seriously, I love a great steak and all but I will take good sex over a good steak any day. On a perfect day I would have both and not have to chose between one or the other.

Three dollar pussy is not an advisable purchase. I think Paco should just pleasure himself and save his money for something a bit better.

So in New York City it is kinda hot right now. It isn’t as brutal as the TV News makes it out to be but it is very hot. Every year when the heat comes people get all shocked and amazed. They act as if they did not realize that during the period between June and September it gets kinda warm at times. They walk around and ask people that dreaded question. You know what question I am talking about right? Watch and I will explain.