ATASUSHI [#1], EUI, FUMIO, DAISUKE, GORO [Obvious good one,] HIDEAKI, HOTAKA, KAZUHIKO [Or KAZUHERO = Equally great,] MASASHI, NOBUYUKI, MITSUBISHI, KAWASAKI, SUBARU, SHIG, TAMOTSU [Or TIRAMISU,] and, because a classic never dies, YOSHI.

One day, one of my awesome teachers was at her computer and started dying laughing. She turned around and told me to come look. Sure enough, it was his full name: Phuc Hu Le.

FACT: They get to choose their own names. Contrary to popular belief, this does not happen only in America. Nail salons are the most obvious example of this fact. Popular Nail Tech names include Sue, Young, SUNNY [or Sun], Grace, Ann, Kim, and Donna. They choose one of these direct pronoun gold nuggets instead of their “real” names, supposedly so that their ignorant American customers don’t improperly pronounce or forget their actual names. [Examples of actual asian names include Pan Sook, Ning San, An Young, On, Pihng Pohng, Nil Pang, Tat Pook, Loohk Nau, and Mami Wata.] The reality of the situation, Johnny, is that Pihng Pohng translates directly back to Grace and you have been fooled.

FACT: Asians prefer things to be numbered because robots are person-shaped computers and computers interpret data using numbers. For example, when I call Magic Wok [914.769.5656 #1 Most Palatable Szechuan Cuisine in the greater Westchester area] I often order a #47 instead of Steamed Pork Dumplings, in order to bypass the information translation step.

FACT: Asian advertising often utilizes cartoon imagery because Asians have identified with cartoons since the Jetsons pioneered the Robot Acceptance Movement [R.A.M.] by having a robotic “Hired Helper.”

So, seeing as the above facts are clearly accurate, I’d say that we, as a dotcom collective, have made a HUGE, fantastic, and groundbreaking discovery in the field of anthropology.

You have to figure that if we get away with a measly 1% of the astronomical finder’s fee, we’ll all be able to say “Fuuuuuuuck YOU!” [or "That idea is not fantastic, Krys,"] at our jobs within the month.

My final thought is that my licensure also makes me a Nail Tech and I would prefer to be addressed as Sunny from this point forward.