Rants and Raves, Relationships

How To NOT Find a Mate Online

mister-non-existantI came across what I think is a hysterical profile on OKcupid. What’s funny is the woman’s profile says only to send her a message if you meet a very, very, very specific set of criteria. The criteria is so specific that there are probably at most like 7 or 8 people on the site that are potential matches. Talk about limiting yourself lol!

So what I did was take a few things from her set of criteria and searched OKCupid for men seeking women. Specifically I searched for men 28 to 36 years old, within 10 miles of Park Slope (which was much more broad than her requirement of “NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria”). I left ethnicity and religion blank to increase the results and selected men that have been online within the last year. How many men did I find? 772! Quite a few perhaps but now let’s break it down even further based on her criteria.

Please don’t message me if we have nothing in common.
So, yeah. Go read what i’ve written about myself again, please. Save us both the time. And I mean that in the NICEST way possible. I’m sick of hitting the delete button. It’s bothersome and it makes me feel bad.

I will not reduce our man count yet. Let’s for the sake of argument say that all 772 men I found have something in common with this girl.

Chances are that you like the same music I do, are liberal, and are an artist of some sort, and aren’t shy, we’ll have a lot in common. Not necessarily romantically.
For romance/oh la la sake, take everything I just said and be thin and good lookin’ and we’re set (maybe).

Ok, we are going to have to thin the herd here but I will tip the scale in her favor just for fun. Let’s assume the following about our 772 men:

  • 700 of the 772 men enjoy the same music as her
  • 600 of that 700 are liberal
  • of that 600 I am going to guess there are a TINY amount of artists but let’s be nice. 300 of the 600 are artists of some sort
  • 300 of the remaining 300 are not shy (I’m being real nice)

Age-Please only message me if you’re between the ages of 28 and 36. Ideally, you’ll be between 29 and 33. But, I’m definitely not robbing any cradles or dating men that are too much older than I am.

Location Only message me if you live in NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria.

We will assume all 300 are in her ideal range of 29 to 33 and live in her mandatory neighborhoods.

-You’re slim (but don’t live in an emaciated body), working out is good, but I am not at all attracted to big muscle men, I’m not attracted to overweight men, either (post honest pictures, please).
-No suit and ties (unless you’re a mod)
-No one preppy/too clean cut or anyone who buys their jeans with holes already in the knees. Yuck.
-I like scruffy looking guys. Messy hair, unshaven (but no beards, please), tattoos (sleeves are good) but no tribal tattoo shit or anything else like that. I grew up with punk rock kids,rockabilly kids and some hardcore kids. They usually had good tattoos. Of course, you don’t have to have tattoos :)

Height- at LEAST 5’8″. Tallest 6’5″. Ideally, you’re 5’10 to 6’2.

The herd is about to become extinct:

  • of the 300 finalists 200 are slim
  • of the 200 slim guys 175 are NOT muscle men
  • of 175 men 125 are not suit and tie guys
  • of 125 men 100 are not Preps or too clean cut
  • of 100 men 50 are scruffy with messy hair
  • of 50 men 40 do NOT have beards
  • of 40 men 35 do not have any tribal tats
  • and finally of 35 men 20 are between 5’8″ and 6’5″

So there you have it, even with my very kind arithmetic this chick has only 20 awesome guys lurking on OKCupid for her to find. I have a feeling though that a weird chick like this will never find a mate. Why? She’s too fucking demanding. Could you imagine the shit she would bitch about in a relationship? The minutiae she would whine about on a daily basis would be enough to make you slice your throat with a rusty butter knife. And sex…..oh my god. The stars would have to be aligned and her partner a gymnast/therapist in order for her to achieve orgasm.

People, if you are going to try a dating site then go for it. But don’t turn your profile into a list of demands. You’re going to get hurt real fast when you find out that your perfect mate doesn’t exist.

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  • Avery

    That is quite specific.

    FITZ! I send you an Ask Fitz question. Forget about it. The question on the other end of that link is fake.

  • sabrina

    Does your person have a beard? You’re JOHN! GUESS WHO!!!

    Well, Fitzy– I bet I can find a similarly amusing one from the other team in a small amount of time. Please hold:

    Okay, I think I found a winner here. This is just a silly little tidbit that I came across by filtering my search by “%Enemy.” His name is Kevin, and he’d like to introduce himself, but I think that would be a disaster so I’ll introduce him for you:

    35 / m / straight / single
    Florida, PR, United States (1632 miles)
    0% Match, 0% Friend, 66% Enemy
    His self-summary:

    just a regular guy thats fun loving anm ((christian)) a football fan, love pop music, like to dance, love to watch tv, but i dont get a chance all the time and aslo a good listener. u can share anything with me anytime u want( )
    What I’m doing with my life:

    I am currently woking with a construction company in the us
    He’s really good at:

    listening an having fun and meeting new and friendly people
    The first thing(s) people usually notice about him:

    i dont realy know but i think its my hight and cloths
    His favorite books, movies, music, and food:

    lord of the rings, i love to eat rice, and i like pop music
    The six things I could never do without:

    money love family friends fun and GOD
    He spend a lot of time thinking about:

    On a typical Friday night He is:

    stay at home cos am not a club type
    The most private thing He’s willing to admit here:

    as a kid i use to make fun of people
    You should message him if:

    u think am ur type at noxiouxxdrag@yahoo.com. and if am not maybe we could work things out.
    Questions He Cares About:
    *He hasn’t taken any tests!
    So, obviously we have ourselves a nice fucking guy here. Nice fucking guy. It’s obvious that we are a perfect match and that this website/free porn links site doesn’t know shit about compatibility.

    Major highlights for me include that he’s ((christian)), that he made sure to clarify that he works in the US (which most people won’t do — I mean, that’s rare..), like to dance, hight and cloths, i like to eat rice, and that he spends a lot of time thinking about fantasies. That’s at least 29 dimensions of compatibility. Also note that he hasn’t taken any tests yet!

    Ima hit him up. Thanks for helping us find each other!

  • http://www.peoplenotbarbies.blogspot.com Danielle

    In general OKCupid is only good stupid test taking, and finding people to make fun of. Or being made fun of yourself. I once got an email from a random dude that said, “It is called rhinoplasty. Look it up.” Which I suppose should have been insulting, but it was so rude I found it funny. Do I have a big nose? yeah. I’ve got a big ol’ Jewish nose. I once had an entire lecture hall in collage agree that I look like Barbara Streisand. A homeless man followed me for BLOCKS, convinced I was Bette Midler’s daughter (I guess he was a fan.) A male stripper tried hitting on me by asking “Where did you get your nose from?” I get it. It is big. I didn’t need a DATING SITE to tell me that.

    Danielle recently scribbled the following on their toilet (I mean blog)..The Happiest Couple In The World.

  • Joker

    This seems like it should be something from Julie’s site doesn’t it?

    Nevertheless, This chick is probably insane. I found a similar one for men seeking women on craigslist. I’ll look it up later

  • http://www.datingwallofshame.blogspot.com juliemccoy

    Hey Joker – it’s ok – there’s plenty of dating craziness to go around and Fitz is much better at math than I am. Besides, today I posted my first video rant on my blog, so it’s all good.

    juliemccoy recently scribbled the following on their toilet (I mean blog)..Stop Staring At My Nipples!

  • http://www.toiletscribble.com fitz

    Avery – that question was deleted, what was the question??? I am intrigued.

    Sabrina – I was not insinuating that men do not do the same thing. I just thought it was hysterical that someone would go to such great lengths to NOT find someone! lol

    Danielle – send me that guy’s screen name so I can send him a msg

    Joker – Well, yeah it does seem like a Julie post but hey I dig Julie’s blog so she is rubbing off on me.

    Julie – A VIDEO?! I’m so there right now!

  • Krys Lee

    Yo snatch that guy up right quick, Sabrina.
    Julie- I’m on that

  • Avery

    It was some chick who was asking if it would be alright to have sex with this high schooler to help him out with his sex ed class (there’s a bit more to it than that).

    After reading through her other questions I diagnosed it was fake. Either that or she’s incredibly trashy.

    Probably the ladder.

  • sabrina

    JF> I was just trying out your idea for myself. In actuality, I think we should each meet these people and do a real expose.

    KL> Do you give this one your blessing? Kevin.

  • http://www.misanthropytoday.com misanthropy today

    i wrote a post about the language of perpetually single women that borrowed a lot from my experiences on match.com

    I think men and women use personal ads differently. Men are looking to experiment, go out with a few chicks, but i think the key is they want to do it quickly.

    Women who go on dating sites (most are a certain type) probably have a group of dbags already vying for their affection (or at least hitting it regularly) and throw this ad up in the odd chance that some rich goodlooking, smart guy happens to see their profile and realize he can’t live without them.

    It’s sort of like how even apartment buildings in shitty neighborhoods all want like donald trump quality credit.

    Decent site, btw. Here’s that post I mentioned: