On the subway to work this morning myself and about 20 other people were nearly killed. Nobody had a gun. There were no bomb scares. A homeless man did not run around the car with a knife threatening anyone. No, this was far worse than any of those things. Today I was nearly killed by a fart. Actually it was a series of farts.
We were all minding our own business. One woman was sleeping softly. Two men were reading their Financial Times (Fucking Douche Bags). I was listening to my ipod while playing solitaire. It was just another day on the E train. Then suddenly it hit all of us at the same time, a smell so foul that it barely even registered as a fart. At first I thought perhaps it was coming from the subway tunnel itself through one of the windows. Perhaps an entire colony of subway rats had all died and were being burned by a trash fire. Perhaps a murder had taken place in the subway tunnel and the body was decomposing. It soon became shockingly clear though that this was actually a human fart.
It happens often enough on the subway and it is usually a minor inconvenience. You just hold your breath for 10 seconds or so and it’s gone. But this time was different. One sniff of this foul beast’s noxious fart could render you completely helpless in seconds. People were gagging, letting out groans, looking around asking “Why? Why? Why?”. It had a lingering power I have not seen the likes of in ages. I have drank Guinness with Mexican food and not even then was I able to come even close to the power of this fart.
The worst part was after the smoke had cleared and everyone became calm the asshole who let this monster loose released not one but two more blasts. It was inconceivable. The sheer unmitigated audacity, to be so cruel to innocent commuters on their way to work. If I hadn’t been rendered so completely incapable of moving or talking I would have searched for the monster that did this.
It reminded me of one of my favorite clips from George Carlin whom I regard as the world’s most amazing comedian. I will leave you with a video of George Carlin giving people some sound fart advice. Please heed his words. Test farts people. Release test farts!
