One thing you do when flogging is look at stats. How many people come to the site, what do they look at and how long do they stay on each page. I signed up for something called Google analytics and they give you an absolutely nauseating amount of data to sift through so you can tailor your content to your audience.
I have noticed one thing that, at first astonished me but really shouldn’t have. People have zero attention span. There is a part of the brain that holds our attention and it is shrinking ever so quickly. If something is longer than two paragraphs people will not read it. They will look at whatever funny picture you put up and be on their way. Naturally, as a flogger I should want to change the way I post so that my audience enjoys the content. In this specific case I should probably only write one paragraph of text and put a really funny picture. Then you’d all be happy right?
Well fuck you. I am going to make each post I write longer and longer until you no longer want to come here anymore. My attention span is just as bad as yours but I still am capable of reading a page of text! Perhaps the copy of Moby Dick I bought will not ever get read but I can still manage to read a 1000 word blog post. I am not going to kowtow to you people just because you refuse to take your meds.
So for those of you staying, meaning you are going to read this article in it’s entirety, HI!!!. YOU are my people (mi gente for those of you who habla). You are now the center of my world, the audience I care about. Fuck all the idiots who only read the first sentence and then clicked on one of my awesome google ads. Did you see the ads by the way?
I am not going to ask people to click on them because that would be begging and begging is wrong. But I will say they look damn funny. When your content is about toilets and graffiti it tends to generate some interesting advertising. For example I saw an ad yesterday entitled “Waterless toilets”. I wanted to click on it so bad. Waterless toilets???? How the hell would that work? I imagine it would involve a shovel and some dirt but I will never know.
This post is not going to make much sense as I am merely writing from the top of my head with the sole intention of pissing off people with short attention spans. You see, I am willing to bet that a few of them will read the whole thing to prove to themselves that they CAN get through a whole page of text if they really want to. Well, the fact that this post is loaded with nothing but me rambling should piss them right off if they try. “I read the whole article and not one funny thing!!!…damn him!!!”. That’s how I imagine it anyway.
Speaking of imagination, last night I had the weirdest dream before I went to sleep. That in itself is weird because how do you dream without being asleep? I don’t know. Perhaps I was asleep and the dream began with me being almost asleep. Deep huh? Anyway, the dream. My blog had become world famous. I was doing interviews on CNN, Fox (I didn’t want to but my agent made me) and oh yeah, I had an agent! I was changing the world via my flog!
I would spend days in Starbucks drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee and flogging away until closing time. I would flog on the beach in tropical locales and while hanging out with beautiful women. I was pulling in 7 figures a year. It was quite a dream. Oh and I had a book deal. the title of the book was “Everything I Need to Know in Life I learned in a Public Restroom” which I thought was a bit wordy but my agent insisted it was going to talk directly to the demographic we were targeting (homeless people with mental problems). it was a national best seller.
Ok, I will wind this down now. We have enough paragraphs to scare away the ADHD crowd and hopefully enough wit and charm to keep my loyal fans (Hi Mom and Dad) happy. I hope you are having a fantastic day. oh and do me a favor and tell me how short your attention span is in the comments. Also send me pictures of funny shit you see while taking a dump in public restrooms. I need content and I am fresh out of ideas.
