Toilet Scribble

My Online Dating Profile

I used to think that online dating was for losers. A few months ago I had an epiphany of sorts though. I realized that with the amount of time I spend online it made total sense for me to try to find a mate online. So I broke down and signed up on okcupid. I did so in a half serious way and I guess when I wrote my profile I was not in the ‘this is what is going to help me find Ms. Right’ mindset. So I wrote my profile up in the same way I do everything. That is to say, I used quite a bit of sarcasm and jackassery.

Well, it turns out that jackassery is quite a turn on for women. I get random emails from around the world asking me if my profile ‘is for real’ and if I want to have ‘dirty sweaty cyber sex’ (DUH! of course I do idiot!). I’m not sure if my okcupid profile is going to get me a life partner but it might give YOU a few laughs. So here you go….

Three Adjectives (that describe you):

‘full figured’, curvy and voluptuous

My self-summary:

Self-Summary (v2.0 — if you saw my first version feel
special)

I like to watch Fox News and throw things at the TV. I will often
pause my Tivo when Sean Hannity smiles and color one of his teeth
in with black marker. Then I watch CNN and I pause again and draw
smiley faces on Lou Dobbs’ forehead. Then I clean off the screen
and watch the Daily Show and get some real news.

I like making fun of those that deserve to be made fun of. And by
that I mean everyone because you all deserve it and you’re gonna
get it.

Making people laugh is a gift I inherited from my great grandfather
who was a comedian and Sherpa in Kathmandu.

I think nothing is sacred.

I think Sarah Silverman is hot and Angelina Jolie is not.

I think most women worry too much about their weight.

I think most women should lose some weight.

I think I’m sarcastic.

I think I begin too many sentences with ‘I think’.

I think I’m done.

I’m really good at:

making people laugh,explaining technical mumbo jumbo to to people
that don’t speak mumbo jumbo, writing online profiles on okcupid,
making homemade tomato sauce, spelling, sexy time, phone sex,
snogging, spending money, eating, making my bed, laundry, stuff,
video games, SARCASM, making long lists of things, pet care, are
you really still reading? if so I can list something YOU are good
at, etc, etc, etc

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:

My uncanny resemblance to Sean Puffy Combs, that my voice is
similar to that of The Naked Cowboy, and that what they thought was
a monster bulge in my pants was actually just a blackberry an
iPhone and a portable hard drive (I have a huge nerd….errr I mean
I AM a huge nerd)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

The plight of the ocean’s Tuna fish. I mean think about it, you’re
swimming along one day with your family playing a game of ‘follow
the dolphin’. You notice the sun shimmering through the crystal
clear water when all of a sudden BOOM! you get swept up in a net.
You, your family, and a dolphin are all pulled from the water and
tossed into the hull of a ship. The dolphin starts to do that cute
little dolphin talk and picks up your brother and two of your kids
and starts juggling them like a circus clown. The fishermen are so
impressed with the cute dolphin they throw him back in the water
and feed him a few of your friends. You on the other hand try to
make cute noises but nothing comes out. you try to juggle but you
lack the intelligence and coordination to do so. You’re fucked and
there is nothing you can do about it. You, your family, and all
your friends are going to be killed, chopped up, canned, and eaten
with mayo (not that low fat kind either…gross) WOW, I should
really focus on something else.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Frantically typing away at my keyboard, building my army of evil
fembots, and planning my takeover of the planet. But like, I’m open
to other things. Perhaps a trip to Home Depot or maybe even Bed
Bath and Beyond if I have time.