Carlin

Apparently there are people out there that have never heard the term ‘donkey punch’. There are others that don’t know what a ‘Cleavland bow tie’ is. Can you believe it? I couldn’t either. So let’s get educated shall we? Let us start a journey into the land of weird sexual terms and see where it takes us. We’ll call it “Kinkology 101″.

Let’s kick off the “Kinkology” series with the word Blumby! It’s fun to say. Say it out loud real quick….blumby. Fun right? Ok let’s talk about it shall we?

How do you say goodbye to your hero? Well, I have no idea. George Carlin died at 5:55Pm yesterday and the only thing I am sure of is the world is now a lot less funny. There will be lots of articles in the coming days that will chronicle his life and explain what a comedic genius he was. And while he was a comedic genius, that title does not do him justice.To me he was so much more.

George Carlin was more of a philosopher than a comedian. His comedy made me examine my own life and laugh at things that I might not have. He made me realize what an idiot I could be for worrying about petty bullshit that in the long term was going to mean nothing. He had an ability to make me realize that I need to laugh more, live more and cry a lot less.

Carlin was a wordsmith and was able to show us the humor of certain phrases and words. More often he would point out the absurdity of such phrases. He famously examined the ’seven dirty words’ and was arrested for saying them at a live performance. That started a nationwide discussion on free speech and in the end you still cannot say those words on radio or TV but the discussion he started continues to this day.

Anyway, it’s hard to be funny today so I will let George be funny for you. Here he is talking about death.

Rest in peace George. You will be sorely missed and never replaced.

Q: Are you trying to be funny?

A: Yes. That being said, if you do not find it funny that is quite alright. I can live with that.

Q: Are you trying to offend me?

A: Yes.

Q: What is an ‘ass gasket’

A: An ass gasket is the paper toilet seat cover that you use in public restrooms. It’s also a category of article on this site. Anything having to do with this site, for example a message about site downtime, would be filed as an ‘ass gasket’. It’s not eloquent and it may not be funny but every time I say ass gasket I crack up.

Q: What is Toilet Scribble?

A: Toilet scribble is the marker drawings and poems you see in public restrooms. For example you may have seen (in big bold magic marker) this litte gem:

Here I sit…broken hearted

Came to shit….but only farted

Q: What color is your hair?

A: Why do people keep asking? This should not be a frequently asked question.

Q: What is better, no sex but being rich or lots of sex but being poor?

A: There should be a third part of that question. It should read ‘or beating the crap out of me for asking that’. And that’s what I would choose.

Q: What is a quince?

A: The Quince (pronounced /kw?ns/), or Cydonia oblonga, is the sole member of the genus Cydonia and native to warm-temperate southwest Asia in the Caucasus region. It is a small deciduous tree, growing 5-8 m tall and 4-6 m wide, related to apples and pears, and like them has a pome fruit, which is bright golden yellow when mature, pear-shaped, 7-12 cm long and 6-9 cm broad.

Q: What do you like to do on hot summer days?

A: Who submitted these f&^king questions?

Q: Why are there so many questions? Should not an F.A.Q. be only FREQUENTLY asked questions?

A: Is this your website? Do I come to your house and ask you why you have so many forks in your cutlery drawer when all you really need is one per person and maybe like a couple more in case of company? No I don’t so stop with the questions already.

Q: How do you know how many forks I have or that I even have any forks or a cutlery drawer?

A: The reason I have a website and you do not have a website is because I am smart. I know things about stuff. For example, how many forks you own.

Q: Who even says ‘Cutlery Drawer’ anyway?

A: I’m just going to delete this question so please….stop wasting my time.

Q: Do you expect that people will actually read all these ’supposedly funny’ questions?

A: I know of at least two or three people that will (Hi Mom and Dad!)

Q: Who would win in a fight, George Carlin or God?

A: Trick question asshole, Carlin is God.

Q: I thought Carlin said that Joe Pesci was God?

A:He said he prays to Joe Pesci not that he was God.

Q: Who would win in a fight, George Carlin or Joe Pesci

A: Jesus Christ would you just stop with the dumb questions?

Q: Jesus wasn’t an option. Are you saying Jesus would intervene in the Pesci/Carlin fight and therefore win or are you saying that either Pesci or Carlin actually IS Jesus?

A: I’m saying that you are dumb for reading this whole page. Either I’m really funny or you are really bored (possibly a combination of both)

Q: Do you pronounce ‘F.A.Q.’ as (fak) or do you say each letter like “F” “A” “Q”

A: I say “FAK”.

Q: I see you have a donate page. Do you expect me to give you money?

A: Look at you, asking all these questions and expecting answers for free. Give me a dollar and I will answer. Until then go F yourself.

Q: Whopper or Big Mac?

A: This is a blog about funny shit and you want to know if I prefer a Whopper or a Big Mac? Tell ya what, donate a dollar on my donate page and I will make a video about what I prefer.

Q: Why stick figures?

A: Why not? Besides…..I can’t draw.

Q: Isn’t this FAQ a little ridiculous?

A: Have you read any of the other content on this site? Similar no?

Q: Where have you been the past few years? One report has you managing a gym? Can you tell us about that experience?

A: Managing a gym? You need a workout or something? Where do you people get your information from? This is ridiculous, I come on CNN and you guys don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Every time I do an interview some guy wants to open his mouth. You know what? Go fuck yourself.