douche nozzles

If Bill O’Reilly died a painful death live on the air I would probably pop some popcorn, open a bottle of wine and watch with a huge shit eating grin. That’s probably not going to happen unfortunately. I have however, found Bill to be a useful entity. I explain why in this video.

Well here we are, the end of the Douchebag series. A sad day indeed but do not fear, I am just getting started here at toiletscribble.com in bringing you informative and entertaining videos. Hopefully this series has transformed a few douchebags into normal people once again. At a minimum I hope it has enabled you to spot a douchebag easier. Now let’s get on with part 10, “Don’t Call Me Ace”.

Have you ever been called chief, ace, sport, guy, champ, stud, or sportsfan? Did it make you mad? It makes me mad. In fact, anyone that uses these terms on a regular basis is a fucking douchebag and needs to cut the shit.

Why do guys insist on cat calling women? I want to meet any woman who has ever been cat called and responded in a positive manner and have her checked for psychological disorders. Do any women like this even exist? Guys, have you ever successfully cat called someone? I am no ‘goodie goodie’ but I think it’s completely disrespectful and makes you a total douche bag.

Oh and sorry for the delay on this one. I recorded it nearly a week ago.

I see young women and men every day that watch an old person get on the subway and they refuse to offer up their seat. These people are bordering on being scumbags but for the purpose of this video we will call them douche bags. I know you’re tired or perhaps not feeling well but you’re young and you will live. Treat senior citizens the way you would treat one of your grandparents. Unless of course you were abused by your grandparents. In that case you should treat them like an old person that you know and like.

In this video I also discuss some user feedback I have received and I do an impression so you may want to watch.

P.S.

The scar on my lip is from my douche bag friend Brian who nailed me in the face with a box yesterday. You’re a douche Brian!

If you have ever been to the New Jersey Shore and visited one of the many dance clubs there you have seen some real douche bags. I’m talking Grade A prime choice douche bags. One of the things that will trip the douche alarm immediately in these clubs is the dance floor. Hundreds of guys and girls moving their bodies in such unpleasant and sometimes dangerous way you might want to vomit and crack up laughing at the same time.

Some of the moves are inexplicable and some actually have names like ‘The Guido Fist Pump”. But no matter what the move or what it may be called one thing is true….if you can’t dance and you’re on the dance floor making up moves as you go along you’re probably a douche bag. If you’ve ever accidentally knocked someone out on a dance floor you are probably a douche bag. If you do Kung-Fu or Karate moves on the dance floor you are probably a douche bag. If you have ever hurt a senior citizen at a Wedding reception while in a conga line you are probably a douche bag.

If you can’t dance then either get off the dance floor or just keep it simple. Nobody is going to mind that you can’t dance….we just don’t want to go to the hospital because you thought it was a good idea to try a head spin.

Here we go, part 6 of the do not be a douche bag series. This time around we discuss self congratulating pricks. You know, those people that start listing their accomplishments the second you are introduced? That type of behavior is indicative of a douche bag and it needs to be addressed. Feel free to comment below.

How can you learn to not be a douche bag if you do not even know what a douche bag is? Hopefully this video will explain, even if only slightly, the terms douche, douche bag, douche nozzle, scumbag and even guido.

Oh, and here is a bonus video. It’s my belief that this clip pushed the term ‘douche bag’ back into our every day vernacular.

Things have been going great here at toiletscribble.com. I become more awesome daily and as a result so do you. It’s really quite beneficial for us all. Along with lots of great comments in the posts I have received some fantastic emails. It is worth noting that a common theme in a lot of the emails is “MORE DOUCHEBAG VIDEOS”. I had no idea that toiletscribble was going to become douchebag central but fuck it, if that’s what people want that’s what you’re going to get.

So, this post will be a recap of where we are right now….lessons one through five. Over the holiday weekend I will be recording parts six through ten and will post them all next week. If any douchebags, douches or douche nozzles are reading please watch all of these videos. If you already have then watch them again. You are not going to fix your douchebagish ways unless you watch and practice.

Don’t Be a Douchebag Part 1: ‘Bar Etiquette’

Don’t Be a Douchebag Part 2: ‘Leave Your Shirts On’

Don’t Be a Douchebag Part 3: ‘Stop Fighting Everyone You Meet’

Don’t Be a Douchebag Part 4: ‘Men Do NOT Wear Lip Gloss’

Don’t Be a Douchebag Part 5: ‘Do NOT Make Phone Calls in Elevators’

One of my most loyal of readers pointed me to this article today. Apparently two dumb blondes gave out tofu burgers and free gasoline at a gas station in Connecticut. Why?

“Because going vegan is the single most effective action they can take,” Byrne said, standing on the corner of Capitol Avenue and Broad Street in Hartford wearing nothing more than strategically placed lettuce leaves.

Oh brother! Why must I be assaulted daily by people in the GREEN movement and people from PETA? It makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I hear someone mention the word ‘GREEN’ in reference to climate change. I am at the point now where I don’t even like being Irish any more. The color green has been ruined for me. And to make matters worse PETA is now jumping on the climate change bandwagon too. Why?

…the United Nations reported that the meat industry is responsible for more green house gas emissions than all transportation combined.

…if every family replaced one chicken dinner a week with a vegan alternative, it would off-set the carbon emissions of 500,000 cars on the roadway.

…eating just a single pound of meat is the environmental equivalent of driving more than 40 miles

So now I need to equate my meat intake with carbon emissions? Fuck that. Fuck PETA. Fuck Al Gore. Fuck climate change. Fuck the polar bears. Fuck green. Fuck eco-friendliness. Fuck everyone. WHAT THE FUCK!!??

Today I ate 10 White Castle hamburgers. Do I now have to figure out the carbon output of creating those burgers and somehow offset it? Would killing two dumb blonde vegans from Connecticut be enough to offset 10 burgers? And can someone explain to me why PETA is against meat but not against using women as if they were nothing but a piece of meat?

And do NOT get me started on these damn polar bear commercials I see on TV almost EVERY night. I do not need Noah Wyle lecturing me about the plight of the polar bear and climate change. He’s a fucking actor not a biologist or meteorologist. If I want information on climate change I will ask Willard Scott or Al Roker. I’ll bet my left nut that both of them eat meat daily and if they went without meat for more than a few days they would be willing to kill, skin, cook and eat polar bears. And if not…fuck them too!

This is a behavior that a lot of people do daily and it pisses me the hell off. It is not limited to just douche bags but anyone doing this is a douche bag in my opinion. When you are on an elevator do NOT make a call that you know is going to get cut off. Don’t answer the phone either just to tell the person on the other end “Hey can I call you back I’m on an elevator?”. Douche bag!