email

Another day another question asked via the ‘Ask Fitz’ page. And as usual I always have the answers. If you haven’t asked a question yet I have a question for you, What the fuck are you waiting for?

Anyway, Brian sent me the following question:

AHHHH Why are you so fucking hilarious?!?

This is an easy one. Guinness Draught. Drink enough Guinness and not only does everything become funny but YOU become funny. Try it if you don’t believe me. I actually recommend reading this blog while drinking Guinness in order to experience it the way it’s meant to be experienced.

Thanks for the question Brian and thanks for reading and watching. Keep drinking Guinness and I promise it will get even funnier.

So today I got an email regarding my post entitled “This is the BEST Blog Ever”. Not only did the author of this email challenge my assertion that toiletscribble.com is the best blog on the internet, they issued what I will call a ‘funny challenge’. Here is what they said:

Fritz,

You seem like a fairly funny guy and you are probably very funny in your circle of friends. But the internet is pretty dam big and I can promise you that you are no where near the funniest guys on the internet. I will challenge you to make a post about your sneakers today and make it funny. If its funny then you win and I will believe you if its not then you will admit you arent funniest of all the blogs.

Adam

Ok, first off Adam, you can’t spell for shit and your grammar sucks. It’s an email though and I will let it slide…it’s not like you are applying for a job. Secondly, it’s Fitz not FRITZ. I have been dealing with people calling me Fritz my entire life and quite frankly it pisses me off…so f you. Lastly, I did not say that I was the funniest guy on the internet. I said that this was the best blog on the internet…. HUGE difference. Being the best blog on the internet means not only am I the funniest but the most EVERYTHING. There is not a better place to read about anything than at toiletscribble.com. Even if I do not have content on a particular subject I am still the best place to find that content. That may make no sense to you at all but that is because your brain does not operate on the same level as mine.

Regardless, I accept your pathetic challenge. You will undoubtedly say I am not funny but whatever…here is your post regarding my sneakers.

These are my sneakers. They are a size 13. At first glance you might think they are Converse but they are not….they are Kenneth Cole. They only cost twenty bucks which I thought was pretty cheap.

But enough about describing my sneakers, let’s discuss what I do in them. I walk in them duh! I walk very fast, in fact I know exactly how fast I walk….140BPM. That is 140 beats per minute in musical terms I mean, and not to be confused with the beating of your heart. That means that there are 140 quarter notes per minute. I know this because I listen to a lot of house, trance, drum and bass etc as I am walking around the city.

I know the BPM of most of the songs I listen to…I’m not proud…it’s just a skill. Sometimes when I am walking at 140 beats per minute listening to my awesome iphone I feel like I am in a music video. Because I walk at the exact tempo of the song my movements almost seem choreographed. I will bet money that when people see me coming they think to themselves “Where are the video cameras? This guy is obviously in a music video right now”.

Did I mention my iPhone? Are you jealous? You should be because it is awesome. I usually have ‘gadget regret’ after buying an expensive piece of electronic gadgetry but the iPhone is really as amazing as it was made out to be. And being the awesome person I am my iPhone is hacked to allow 3rd party software on it. Every day in the subway I get into silent gadget wars with other commuters and I always win. What’s a silent gadget war?

Well, a gadget war is when someone whips out a gadget and wants to be seen with it. They make sure people look in awe as they play their PSP, talk on their iPhone, watch a DVD on some obscure linux powered hand held device or whatever. On the subway in New York City this happens all the time. It is most fun when a gadget is in short supply or just came out recently. Anyway, people always whip out their iPhones on the subway and they start looking at their calendar or looking through their contacts. Besides doing that, there really isnt much to do with an iphone other than listen to songs and talk on the phone. So when someone does this I always whip my iPhone out and start playing Mike Tyson’s Punch Out on the SNES emulator I have installed or Solitaire or something like that. The other person always bows in defeat and some will even sheepishly inquire “How the hell?”.

Anyway, wasn’t I supposed to talk about my sneakers and be funny? You know what Adam, I don’t really give a crap if I am funny or not. I especially do not care if you think I am funny or not. When you reach the level of FANTABULOUS that I have reached you learn to not listen to detractors. You learn to love them to be honest. I want to take you under my wing and and teach you how to roll with the big boys like me. Would you like that? If so send me an email and we can work something out. I will even let you smell the inside of my sneakers so that you can smell what being awesome is like.

If you had asked me a few months back “Hey Fitz, what are you going to blog about” I would have responded with a million different subjects ranging from reviews of toilet paper to pictures of people pooping in bathrooms. Never did I think I would write a post on pants for tall people. But when my friend ‘Trish the Dish’ emailed me a long rant about pants and asked me to post about the subject I couldn’t resist….I had to help her out. You see Trish doesn’t have a blog and she was sort of jealous that I have an outlet to vent my weird frustrations. So being the nice person that I am, I am going to post Trish’s email rant and vent on her behalf.

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I love a good scam email, especially when it’s a fresh one that I haven’t read a million times already. Today I got lucky and received an email notifying me that I was about to be 2.5 million dollars richer!! I of course replied right away. Both emails are below. Stay tuned for updates! Also, if you have a favorite scam email that you have received send it my way. I collect stupid crap and scam emails are one of those stupid things.

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Just when you think your mind is blank and you have nothing to post for the day, along comes a fantastic email. I’m not sure where exactly this person got my email address but I am glad they did. Apparently they are from Russia and looking for a husband…errr green card or perhaps just a few dollars. Anyway let’s see if I can keep them busy.

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