God

I was wondering to myself how far into the depths of hell I will be cast once I leave this life. I came to a realization that it might not be far enough to meet up with some of the people I am looking forward to meet down there. For example, I’m sure Kurt Cobain is very deep down there since it is a mortal sin to commit suicide. And if I want to hear Elvis sing I am sure he is pretty far into the abyss as well since he was a glutton. So, here is my attempt at getting into the good seats in hell.

It makes you wonder, does he see you pooping because he can’t help but see or does he like to watch?

People always say stupid shit. But perhaps nothing gets to me like the phrase “It was God’s will”. That basically means there is a big book somewhere labeled “God’s Master Plan” and inside is written everything that will ever happen or has happened. Obviously, the concept of ‘free will’ gets thrown out the window with that phrase or perhaps, it just means that we have free will but God already knows what we will choose. But…

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My loyal fan, friend and fellow blogger Tracy found the oddest thing today. A letter to the Lord. That’s right a letter to the big man himself. It was written on the back of a ‘lab report’ and my only guess is that it was written by a mental patient. He or she definitely has some issues (racism being one of them)but I am not sure that God can help. Tracy asked me “where does lost mail to God go?…does he have a forwarding address?”. She then realized that I am God and sent it my way. And now I am passing it along to all of you. Enjoy….or don’t…I don’t give a shit…I’m God.

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Q: Are you trying to be funny?

A: Yes. That being said, if you do not find it funny that is quite alright. I can live with that.

Q: Are you trying to offend me?

A: Yes.

Q: What is an ‘ass gasket’

A: An ass gasket is the paper toilet seat cover that you use in public restrooms. It’s also a category of article on this site. Anything having to do with this site, for example a message about site downtime, would be filed as an ‘ass gasket’. It’s not eloquent and it may not be funny but every time I say ass gasket I crack up.

Q: What is Toilet Scribble?

A: Toilet scribble is the marker drawings and poems you see in public restrooms. For example you may have seen (in big bold magic marker) this litte gem:

Here I sit…broken hearted

Came to shit….but only farted

Q: What color is your hair?

A: Why do people keep asking? This should not be a frequently asked question.

Q: What is better, no sex but being rich or lots of sex but being poor?

A: There should be a third part of that question. It should read ‘or beating the crap out of me for asking that’. And that’s what I would choose.

Q: What is a quince?

A: The Quince (pronounced /kw?ns/), or Cydonia oblonga, is the sole member of the genus Cydonia and native to warm-temperate southwest Asia in the Caucasus region. It is a small deciduous tree, growing 5-8 m tall and 4-6 m wide, related to apples and pears, and like them has a pome fruit, which is bright golden yellow when mature, pear-shaped, 7-12 cm long and 6-9 cm broad.

Q: What do you like to do on hot summer days?

A: Who submitted these f&^king questions?

Q: Why are there so many questions? Should not an F.A.Q. be only FREQUENTLY asked questions?

A: Is this your website? Do I come to your house and ask you why you have so many forks in your cutlery drawer when all you really need is one per person and maybe like a couple more in case of company? No I don’t so stop with the questions already.

Q: How do you know how many forks I have or that I even have any forks or a cutlery drawer?

A: The reason I have a website and you do not have a website is because I am smart. I know things about stuff. For example, how many forks you own.

Q: Who even says ‘Cutlery Drawer’ anyway?

A: I’m just going to delete this question so please….stop wasting my time.

Q: Do you expect that people will actually read all these ’supposedly funny’ questions?

A: I know of at least two or three people that will (Hi Mom and Dad!)

Q: Who would win in a fight, George Carlin or God?

A: Trick question asshole, Carlin is God.

Q: I thought Carlin said that Joe Pesci was God?

A:He said he prays to Joe Pesci not that he was God.

Q: Who would win in a fight, George Carlin or Joe Pesci

A: Jesus Christ would you just stop with the dumb questions?

Q: Jesus wasn’t an option. Are you saying Jesus would intervene in the Pesci/Carlin fight and therefore win or are you saying that either Pesci or Carlin actually IS Jesus?

A: I’m saying that you are dumb for reading this whole page. Either I’m really funny or you are really bored (possibly a combination of both)

Q: Do you pronounce ‘F.A.Q.’ as (fak) or do you say each letter like “F” “A” “Q”

A: I say “FAK”.

Q: I see you have a donate page. Do you expect me to give you money?

A: Look at you, asking all these questions and expecting answers for free. Give me a dollar and I will answer. Until then go F yourself.

Q: Whopper or Big Mac?

A: This is a blog about funny shit and you want to know if I prefer a Whopper or a Big Mac? Tell ya what, donate a dollar on my donate page and I will make a video about what I prefer.

Q: Why stick figures?

A: Why not? Besides…..I can’t draw.

Q: Isn’t this FAQ a little ridiculous?

A: Have you read any of the other content on this site? Similar no?

Q: Where have you been the past few years? One report has you managing a gym? Can you tell us about that experience?

A: Managing a gym? You need a workout or something? Where do you people get your information from? This is ridiculous, I come on CNN and you guys don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Every time I do an interview some guy wants to open his mouth. You know what? Go fuck yourself.

For those with short attention spans you can just read the bolded words and get an idea of what toiletscribble is all about.

What is toilet scribble? Well, have you ever gone into a bathroom at a local bar, and by local I mean local to you not me….unless you live near me which would make it local to both of us, but anyway you go into a local bar’s bathroom and sit down to do your business and in front of you there is a hand drawn graffiti picture of a giant penis? And all around the penis are phrases like ‘blow me’ or ‘for a good time call your mom’? Well, I have actually wondered (out loud even) what the equivalent toilet scribble would be in a woman’s bathroom.You see, I am a man so I do not go into women’s bathrooms unless asked or unless I am at a woman’s house in which case I would have to use a woman’s bathroom or i would just have to hold it till I got home and that would not make for any fun. It could also lead to medical issues if that happened too often. But anyway, I have always wondered, in a local bar what would a woman see when she sat down to do her business? Would it be a huge drawing of a vagina with phrases all around it like ‘for a good time call your dad’ and ‘eat me’? Or would it be that same huge penis that I see in the men’s room?

So what is toilet scribble? I have no freaking idea what it is….. in a women’s bathroom.

And that is the quest I am on here. This is a journal that will chronicle my journey into the completely moronic and sophomoric parts of my extremely small, uneducated, and underdeveloped brain. I take no responsibility for my actions or for yours. This is not a legal disclaimer nor is it a pledge. It is not well thought out nor handwritten yet it is legible and I hope it’s entertaining and funny. If it is not legible you may have computer problems that I did not cause but can fix, yet I will not, unless you ask nicely at which point I still will not but I will be friends with you.

I will encourage feedback but not require it nor will I read it or digest it. I will take criticism but I will complain about it and then do nothing to remedy it. I will properly punctuate where pertinent but not always precisely, which some people will pontificate profoundly upon….perhaps even posthumously (I see dead people) I presume. I promise to never use more than 6 words beginning with the letter P again….probably….but probably not.

I will not be taking requests nor will I request anything of you. You will not be forced to take a red pill or a blue pill. I will not quote or make reference to any movies or books. I will strive to endeavor, yearn to be free and will always give thanks to the God of your choice and/or denounce the God(s) you do not choose or by default all God(s) if you are atheist. I will not speak of religion or sex unless coaxed with booze and pills. I will end here but we are just beginning.Trust me….forget this web address and never return.