online dating

I have an odd sense of humor I think. I was going over my journal postings on OKCupid and came across my very first joke on that site (other than the fact that I signed up). You see, OKCupid has this completion percentage thingy. They require you to do certain things like write a journal entry to make your profile 100% complete. One of the tasks was to write a 1000 character journal entry. I thought it would be funny to write a 1000 WORD journal entry but nobody found that to be a funny thing except me. Anyway, since I have little time to post today I figured I would post that journal entry. So here it is:

Well apparently I can move from a profile that’s 85% complete to a profile that is 87% complete if I just fill this little box with one thousand words!! Don’t you think one thousand is a bit excessive?

And who makes up these rules anyway? And how does the person who makes up the rules come up with them? Does he just roll some dice or throw a dart or what? And is it a HE at all? Perhaps a she? Was it sexist of me to think that someone who makes up rules for a living was a man? Does a female rule maker prefer to be called a ‘Rule Person’? Is there not a book called ‘The Rules’ that was authored by some dopey broad that is probably miserably single? Is the word broad even used anymore?

Did the two above paragraphs just kind of arbitrarily end and begin? I mean I kinda just hit the enter key when there was enough sentences to fulfill what I think a paragraph should be but who knows? Perhaps I should have strived to study harder when I was in school. Then I would know the answer to the following question: How long can a paragraph be until it is no longer considered a paragraph? As long as the idea or topic doesn’t change a paragraph can go on infinitesimally no? I almost have a mind to keep talking about paragraphs in this paragraph for as long as possible. Perhaps even call up the Guinness Book people and see if there are any paragraphs of notable length in their record books?

Can you imagine that? Imagine I wrote the longest paragraph in history. let’s say it was the length of the average bible (or Koran or Torah…I’m into all kinds of fiction). Now imagine that they included it in the actual Guinness Book of World Records!! I would single handedly increase the the size of that book by a few hundred percent. I would be responsible for the devastation of thousands of acres of forest around the world.

Imagine some average Joe walks his ass into a Barnes and Noble for some Starbucks which is already weird because why the fuck would you go to a bookstore for coffee? You know what, let’s pretend this average Joe of ours actually just needed to use the bathroom and happens upon a Barnes and Noble. Much better no? It doesn’t have to even be a Barnes and Noble by the way, it could be a used book store or some quaint little book shoppe that you think only YOU knows about. Anyway, back to Joe. Remember Joe, the guy who needs to take a leak REALLY bad but cannot because you want to argue over Barnes and Noble being some corporate monster that is ruining all the little quaint book stores?

I’m going to start this paragraph indented. Do you have to indent a paragraph? If so, and I begin a new paragraph WITHOUT indenting, does it count? Does God (if God was an English professor) kill a kitten every time he sees a paragraph that beings without an indent? Does God even read? Actually would he even have to? I mean supposedly his will is already written right? So anything that will be written he already knows because it’s part of his master plan. So in a way…..and perhaps I am stretching just a smidgen here…God is the author of everything that has ever or will ever be written. And in that case if there is a paragraph that starts without an indent it’s really his faux pas!!! HOLY CRAP my head nearly exploded there for a second. Shit I forgot about Joe at Barnes and Noble. new paragraph please.

i n d e n t— Well, Joe takes his leak and feels quite refreshed. He gets a chiding from one of the cashiers about not buying anything but using the restroom but he pays her no mind. As he walks from the bathroom, which is up three flights of stairs and all the way in the back of the store (they do that so that if you just go in to take a leak you will be forced to window shop on your way out), he spots the biggest, most beautiful, the most glorious book he has ever seen. It’s the 2009 Guinness Book of World Records. First edition, in hard cover, with glossy photos and a colorful cover! It even comes with a limited edition ’semi-leather’ bookmark with a depiction of a tree being chopped down on it!! One problem, this thing is like 60 pounds! But he has to have it.

Joe drags the huge monster book to the counter. He is a strong guy but this thing is awkward to carry. He tries to throw it up on the counter but instead he launches it and hits the cashier that scolded him earlier right in the temple. She dies instantly…..

After the police talked with the employees and patrons at the store they quickly realized this was a clear cut case of bathroom rage. Joe had been reprimanded about using the bathroom by the cashier and he decided to assault her. He was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death and executed in a matter of days (This whole thing went down in Texas). As he sat in the electric chair waiting for the switch to flip he wondered….’How the fuck did this happen to me?’.

And that’s why I will never attempt to write the longest paragraph in the world. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It just so happens that the opposite reaction to writing the world’s longest paragraph is death to a random stranger. And that is something that I could live with but would rather not.

Ok time for a summary. Paragraphs are good but don’t get greedy with the length or people can die. This has been a one thousand word post (EXACTLY!!!)

I came across what I think is a hysterical profile on OKcupid. What’s funny is the woman’s profile says only to send her a message if you meet a very, very, very specific set of criteria. The criteria is so specific that there are probably at most like 7 or 8 people on the site that are potential matches. Talk about limiting yourself lol!

So what I did was take a few things from her set of criteria and searched OKCupid for men seeking women. Specifically I searched for men 28 to 36 years old, within 10 miles of Park Slope (which was much more broad than her requirement of “NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria”). I left ethnicity and religion blank to increase the results and selected men that have been online within the last year. How many men did I find? 772! Quite a few perhaps but now let’s break it down even further based on her criteria.

Please don’t message me if we have nothing in common.
So, yeah. Go read what i’ve written about myself again, please. Save us both the time. And I mean that in the NICEST way possible. I’m sick of hitting the delete button. It’s bothersome and it makes me feel bad.

I will not reduce our man count yet. Let’s for the sake of argument say that all 772 men I found have something in common with this girl.

Chances are that you like the same music I do, are liberal, and are an artist of some sort, and aren’t shy, we’ll have a lot in common. Not necessarily romantically.
For romance/oh la la sake, take everything I just said and be thin and good lookin’ and we’re set (maybe).

Ok, we are going to have to thin the herd here but I will tip the scale in her favor just for fun. Let’s assume the following about our 772 men:

• 700 of the 772 men enjoy the same music as her

• 600 of that 700 are liberal

• of that 600 I am going to guess there are a TINY amount of artists but let’s be nice. 300 of the 600 are artists of some sort
• 300 of the remaining 300 are not shy (I’m being real nice)

Age-Please only message me if you’re between the ages of 28 and 36. Ideally, you’ll be between 29 and 33. But, I’m definitely not robbing any cradles or dating men that are too much older than I am.

Location Only message me if you live in NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria.

We will assume all 300 are in her ideal range of 29 to 33 and live in her mandatory neighborhoods.

Looks-
-You’re slim (but don’t live in an emaciated body), working out is good, but I am not at all attracted to big muscle men, I’m not attracted to overweight men, either (post honest pictures, please).
-No suit and ties (unless you’re a mod)
-No one preppy/too clean cut or anyone who buys their jeans with holes already in the knees. Yuck.
-I like scruffy looking guys. Messy hair, unshaven (but no beards, please), tattoos (sleeves are good) but no tribal tattoo shit or anything else like that. I grew up with punk rock kids,rockabilly kids and some hardcore kids. They usually had good tattoos. Of course, you don’t have to have tattoos

Height- at LEAST 5′8″. Tallest 6′5″. Ideally, you’re 5′10 to 6′2.

The herd is about to become extinct:

• of the 300 finalists 200 are slim
• of the 200 slim guys 175 are NOT muscle men
• of 175 men 125 are not suit and tie guys
• of 125 men 100 are not Preps or too clean cut
• of 100 men 50 are scruffy with messy hair
• of 50 men 40 do NOT have beards
• of 40 men 35 do not have any tribal tats
• and finally of 35 men 20 are between 5′8″ and 6′5″

So there you have it, even with my very kind arithmetic this chick has only 20 awesome guys lurking on OKCupid for her to find. I have a feeling though that a weird chick like this will never find a mate. Why? She’s too fucking demanding. Could you imagine the shit she would bitch about in a relationship? The minutiae she would whine about on a daily basis would be enough to make you slice your throat with a rusty butter knife. And sex…..oh my god. The stars would have to be aligned and her partner a gymnast/therapist in order for her to achieve orgasm.

People, if you are going to try a dating site then go for it. But don’t turn your profile into a list of demands. You’re going to get hurt real fast when you find out that your perfect mate doesn’t exist.

I used to think that online dating was for losers. A few months ago I had an epiphany of sorts though. I realized that with the amount of time I spend online it made total sense for me to try to find a mate online. So I broke down and signed up on okcupid. I did so in a half serious way and I guess when I wrote my profile I was not in the ‘this is what is going to help me find Ms. Right’ mindset. So I wrote my profile up in the same way I do everything. That is to say, I used quite a bit of sarcasm and jackassery.

Well, it turns out that jackassery is quite a turn on for women. I get random emails from around the world asking me if my profile ‘is for real’ and if I want to have ‘dirty sweaty cyber sex’ (DUH! of course I do idiot!). I’m not sure if my okcupid profile is going to get me a life partner but it might give YOU a few laughs. So here you go….

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I’m recently single and looking for love. What’s an internet addict like myself to do? Well, Internet dating sites of course! I’ll cover a lot more funny shit regarding online dating in future posts but what I want to address today is the use of the word “kayak” in dating profiles.

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