Rants and Raves

I just happened to stumble on an article about a recent rash of grave robbing incidents across the nation. It is apparently attributed to the lagging economy and the rising price of scrap metal. Brass is apparently what most vases are made out of in cemeteries. Who knew? Anyway, there was a quote in the story that made me think “Go fuck yourself douche bag”.

“I can’t think of anything lower,” said David Evans, general manager for Valhalla Gardens of Memory in Belleville. “Nothing’s worse than stealing from the dead.”

Really? Nothing is worse than stealing from the dead? How about stealing from the fucking living?? The interesting thing about stuff belonging to dead people is that they cannot use it. Why? Cause they’re FUCKING DEAD!! Is it disrespectful to steal from the dead, immoral and despicable? Absolutely! But there are far worse things that one can do.

Imagine hearing the following two things and tell me which one you think is worse.

You walk into your house and one of your loved ones has a very serious face on. they sit you down and say “Last night someone broke into the cemetery and stole the lovely brass vase from Grandma’s grave”.

or………

You walk into your house and one of your loved ones has a very serious face on. they sit you down and say “Last night someone broke into the cemetery and dug up Grandma’s grave and shit on her skull and then apparently performed a sex act with her right femur”.

Why do people always feel the need to exaggerate something bad and make it sound like the worst thing ever? Sometimes I wish I lived on an island with no people and just a few colorful birds that talked. Oh and lots of fish so I could eat. OK and maybe a few Amazon women.

So Christina Aguilera is the new face of the ‘Rock the Vote’ campaign. You know, that campaign that takes uninformed famous people and ask them to try to convince uninformed young people into ‘rocking the vote’? They’d have to be uninformed young people right? I mean an informed person would already want or not want to vote for a specific reason or reasons.

Well I think Christina Aguilera should stick to wearing skimpy clothes and showing me her snatch every once and a while on TMZ. Why in the fuck would anyone want to have Christina Aguilera give them advice on politics? If I needed advice on how to look like a dirty tramp I would totally ask Christina. If I needed singing advice I would also ask her. But voting? Is it possible she even knows who is running?

I’ll tell you one thing though, I would rock my vote on those huge fucking titties of hers in a heartbeat. I’d name the left one Obama and the right one McCain and trust me, I would make those fuckers debate the issues. I’d put my ‘debate moderator’ in between them and go to town.

Seriously though, it’s fun to watch the political process but it’s also quite frustrating to watch this kind of stupidity.

So a youtube comment on my Southie video caught my eye today. Youtube user bionicbigfoot had this to say about me:

This Yuppie is the Poster Child for why I cannot STAND Yuppies. Go back to your leafy ‘burb, you pissant, posing wanna-be. Lemme guess..you saw GoodWillHunting as a teen and have been obsessed with my neighborhood ever since,you frigging LOSER. God, what has happened to this city?!? We used to smack assholes like you around for fun when you’d wander in here, posing your way down Broadway. Smarmy, Yuppie, posing nobody.

Well Mr. Bigfoot, first off I love the fact that you don’t like me. Why? I don’t know, I guess it makes for fun blogging. If you had said something nice I wouldn’t be writing this post so in a way it creates content! Now on to your stupid statements.

First off, who in the fuck says the word ‘yuppie’ any more? That word was popular in the early 80’s back when you were probably still thin and had all your teeth. I guess you decided that because I had on a button down shirt with a collar I must be a yuppie right? I guess coming from Southie it is easy to believe something like that since the only time you need to wear a dress shirt is for a court appearance for being drunk in public or for a funeral.

Second, I live in New York City and not a leafy burb. I grew up in a leafy burb but hey, I can’t control that any more than you can control your weight. As for Good Will Hunting….I loved that movie and still do. Good Will Hunting and The Departed are probably the only two good things to come out of Southie so it shouldn’t surprise you that I like both. But obsessed? Ummm no, I am not obsessed with an economically challenged neighborhood full of unemployed Irish drunks.

As for why you no longer beat the shit out of people like me when they stumble into your neighborhood I can only make a guess. My only logical explanation would be that you are now middle age and about 150lbs overweight and therefore a bit slow. In any event, I thank you for taking the time to comment. Perhaps if you are not too embarrassed next time you can do a video response instead of text. Coming from Southie I know how long it must take you to write so a video would be easier no?

I received a few messages today about bloggers getting arrested for….well…blogging. Weird shit right?! One story was about the increase of arrests in countries like Egypt, China and Pakistan and another was about a US citizen that was arrested in Singapore for insulting a judge on his blog. I believe he commented that the judge was ‘prostituting herself’ and obviously I don’t think he meant it literally.

In any event, I sort of feel that I need to speak out on the subject. After all I am a blogger I guess and well, it wouldn’t make me happy if I was arrested. Granted this is not a political blog and I doubt anyone wants to arrest me for helping people identify douche bags or for posting pictures of toilet graffiti. Never the less I want to show my solidarity so here we go.

I challenge the countries of Singapore, China, Egypt and Pakistan to arrest me. Why would they do so? This is why:

1. I declare that the Chinese government is comprised solely of men with penises under one inch in length. That’s right, you are all small dicked losers that obviously cannot get it up. And hell, even if you could get it up it wouldn’t have that far to go since it’s fucking tiny. Oh, and Chinese President Hu Jintao likes to wear pantyhose under his faggy military uniform. These are indisputable facts.

2. It is a known fact that Egyptian government officials are all homosexual and love to perform fellatio on donkeys.

3. True story, Pakistan government officials watch child pornography on a daily basis and love to perform re-enactments of the two girls one cup video.

4. The judge in Singapore that had that blogger arrested is not only a prostitute but she only charges $4 for anal and will go ass to mouth for an additional fifty cents.

So there ya go. I challenge these countries to hunt me down and arrest me. I also challenge that Singapore judge to find one person that wants to have sex with her.

There is a huge inflatable rat outside my building in front of an Indian restaurant. It’s been nearly three months now that the union has been propping this 12 foot monster up every morning and for the life of me I do not know why.

They hand out flyers that say the restaurant has failed health inspections, that the owner has defaulted on loans, that there are rats and roaches and a few other nasty things. The funny part is they don’t mention why the union is picketing the place.

Obviously the owner is hiring non union workers in some aspect but what the fuck does that have to do with rats, roaches and bank loans? I think unions can be a great thing but shit like this pisses me off. They stand in front of the place and scare off customers in order to blackmail the owner into hiring union labor? What a bunch of fucking bozos. If you are going to picket because he is hiring non union workers then say so. Don’t pretend you are informing the public about poor health conditions because if that’s your cause you would need to picket nearly every eatery in Manhattan.

Oh and by the way, all these inflatable rats you see around the city are made by the same company and that company does NOT employ union workers.

I appreciate art. I do however have a rule a thumb when it comes to deciding if something actually IS art or not. If I can create it myself or come close it is NOT art. For example:

Sistine Chapel = Art

Random paint splatters on a canvas = NOT ART

On the subway to work this morning myself and about 20 other people were nearly killed. Nobody had a gun. There were no bomb scares. A homeless man did not run around the car with a knife threatening anyone. No, this was far worse than any of those things. Today I was nearly killed by a fart. Actually it was a series of farts.

We were all minding our own business. One woman was sleeping softly. Two men were reading their Financial Times (Fucking Douche Bags). I was listening to my ipod while playing solitaire. It was just another day on the E train. Then suddenly it hit all of us at the same time, a smell so foul that it barely even registered as a fart. At first I thought perhaps it was coming from the subway tunnel itself through one of the windows. Perhaps an entire colony of subway rats had all died and were being burned by a trash fire. Perhaps a murder had taken place in the subway tunnel and the body was decomposing. It soon became shockingly clear though that this was actually a human fart.

It happens often enough on the subway and it is usually a minor inconvenience. You just hold your breath for 10 seconds or so and it’s gone. But this time was different. One sniff of this foul beast’s noxious fart could render you completely helpless in seconds. People were gagging, letting out groans, looking around asking “Why? Why? Why?”. It had a lingering power I have not seen the likes of in ages. I have drank Guinness with Mexican food and not even then was I able to come even close to the power of this fart.

The worst part was after the smoke had cleared and everyone became calm the asshole who let this monster loose released not one but two more blasts. It was inconceivable. The sheer unmitigated audacity, to be so cruel to innocent commuters on their way to work. If I hadn’t been rendered so completely incapable of moving or talking I would have searched for the monster that did this.

It reminded me of one of my favorite clips from George Carlin whom I regard as the world’s most amazing comedian. I will leave you with a video of George Carlin giving people some sound fart advice. Please heed his words. Test farts people. Release test farts!

So I caught a glimpse of someone’s NY Post today and on the front page was a headline that simply read “The $175 Burger“. This is absolutely fucking ridiculous. It is ridiculous that someone created this thing but even more so that people would pay for it. It’s a fucking hamburger. I don’t care if they chop up 100 dollar bills in the lettuce or if they put real gold in the secret sauce….it’s fucking stupid.

With people worried about layoffs, the economy, the mortgage crisis, the price of oil, etc there are still assholes with money spending it on fucking $175 burgers.

Here is what I propose. Anyone that orders one of these burgers should be allowed to eat it. Then they are escorted to a private room and shot in the stomach. A doctor is brought in along with the asshole’s checkbook. In return for writing a check for 75% of their entire life savings to a charity they are given medical care.

Once enough assholes have been shot in the stomach we then tell the chef that created this assburger to report to City Hall to accept an award from the Mayor. In front of a crowd of thousands the mayor thanks the chef for helping to raise so much money for charity. The Mayor then pulls out a crossbow and shoots the chef in the knees. The hobbling chef is then forced to make thousands of the $175 burgers which are handed out to the crowd for free.

Seriously though, to the guy that designed this burger and to the people that plan to eat it or have eaten it….GO FUCK YOURSELF.

A week or so ago I created a video called PETA Sticker Madness which described my hatred of one of their campaigns. The sticker said “If you wear fur….watch your back”. My thoughts on that sticker were that they could shove it up their asses.

Well, just when I thought I wouldn’t hear about PETA for awhile they are in the news again. You may have heard that Eight Belles, the horse that took second place in last week’s Kentucky Derby, had to be euthenized after the race due to two broken ankles. Well PETA has now stepped in with lawsuits demanding all sorts of crazy crap and they claim that horse racing is akin to dog fighting. They say a lot of stupid shit on their blog. I would post a link to PETA’s blog but I don’t want to give those asshats any traffic so instead read some of the snippets via a blog I just found called “Curveballs For Jesus” (this blog is pretty damned good and you should bookmark it).

Anyway…here is a video of my thoughts on PETA getting involved with the Kentucky Derby.