relationship

Let’s switch things up a little and answer some questions in a video instead of text. This video runs a little long at 9 minutes. I’m sure 7 minutes of it should have been left on the cutting room floor but I don’t have a cutting room and besides, I get naked at the end of it so it’s worth the wait.

I came across what I think is a hysterical profile on OKcupid. What’s funny is the woman’s profile says only to send her a message if you meet a very, very, very specific set of criteria. The criteria is so specific that there are probably at most like 7 or 8 people on the site that are potential matches. Talk about limiting yourself lol!

So what I did was take a few things from her set of criteria and searched OKCupid for men seeking women. Specifically I searched for men 28 to 36 years old, within 10 miles of Park Slope (which was much more broad than her requirement of “NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria”). I left ethnicity and religion blank to increase the results and selected men that have been online within the last year. How many men did I find? 772! Quite a few perhaps but now let’s break it down even further based on her criteria.

Please don’t message me if we have nothing in common.
So, yeah. Go read what i’ve written about myself again, please. Save us both the time. And I mean that in the NICEST way possible. I’m sick of hitting the delete button. It’s bothersome and it makes me feel bad.

I will not reduce our man count yet. Let’s for the sake of argument say that all 772 men I found have something in common with this girl.

Chances are that you like the same music I do, are liberal, and are an artist of some sort, and aren’t shy, we’ll have a lot in common. Not necessarily romantically.
For romance/oh la la sake, take everything I just said and be thin and good lookin’ and we’re set (maybe).

Ok, we are going to have to thin the herd here but I will tip the scale in her favor just for fun. Let’s assume the following about our 772 men:

• 700 of the 772 men enjoy the same music as her

• 600 of that 700 are liberal

• of that 600 I am going to guess there are a TINY amount of artists but let’s be nice. 300 of the 600 are artists of some sort
• 300 of the remaining 300 are not shy (I’m being real nice)

Age-Please only message me if you’re between the ages of 28 and 36. Ideally, you’ll be between 29 and 33. But, I’m definitely not robbing any cradles or dating men that are too much older than I am.

Location Only message me if you live in NYC. Preferably Brooklyn. If Manhattan, pref. L.E.S. or at least downtownish. If Queens, pref. L.I.C. or Astoria.

We will assume all 300 are in her ideal range of 29 to 33 and live in her mandatory neighborhoods.

Looks-
-You’re slim (but don’t live in an emaciated body), working out is good, but I am not at all attracted to big muscle men, I’m not attracted to overweight men, either (post honest pictures, please).
-No suit and ties (unless you’re a mod)
-No one preppy/too clean cut or anyone who buys their jeans with holes already in the knees. Yuck.
-I like scruffy looking guys. Messy hair, unshaven (but no beards, please), tattoos (sleeves are good) but no tribal tattoo shit or anything else like that. I grew up with punk rock kids,rockabilly kids and some hardcore kids. They usually had good tattoos. Of course, you don’t have to have tattoos

Height- at LEAST 5′8″. Tallest 6′5″. Ideally, you’re 5′10 to 6′2.

The herd is about to become extinct:

• of the 300 finalists 200 are slim
• of the 200 slim guys 175 are NOT muscle men
• of 175 men 125 are not suit and tie guys
• of 125 men 100 are not Preps or too clean cut
• of 100 men 50 are scruffy with messy hair
• of 50 men 40 do NOT have beards
• of 40 men 35 do not have any tribal tats
• and finally of 35 men 20 are between 5′8″ and 6′5″

So there you have it, even with my very kind arithmetic this chick has only 20 awesome guys lurking on OKCupid for her to find. I have a feeling though that a weird chick like this will never find a mate. Why? She’s too fucking demanding. Could you imagine the shit she would bitch about in a relationship? The minutiae she would whine about on a daily basis would be enough to make you slice your throat with a rusty butter knife. And sex…..oh my god. The stars would have to be aligned and her partner a gymnast/therapist in order for her to achieve orgasm.

People, if you are going to try a dating site then go for it. But don’t turn your profile into a list of demands. You’re going to get hurt real fast when you find out that your perfect mate doesn’t exist.

Back in the day a friend of mine (Where the hell are you Mario?) started a sketch comedy thing called “Up Mars”. We never made it to Mars. In fact I don’t think we made anything. But I did make some friends, had lots of beer and fun and I even got a five year relationship with a great girl out of the deal (Hi Alice!). One of the ‘cast members’ was Alison Becker who I constantly see in either some SVU rerun or car commercial or on MTV or FUSE or VH1. In other words she is doing well….good for her funny ass. Anyway…

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