subway

On the subway to work this morning myself and about 20 other people were nearly killed. Nobody had a gun. There were no bomb scares. A homeless man did not run around the car with a knife threatening anyone. No, this was far worse than any of those things. Today I was nearly killed by a fart. Actually it was a series of farts.

We were all minding our own business. One woman was sleeping softly. Two men were reading their Financial Times (Fucking Douche Bags). I was listening to my ipod while playing solitaire. It was just another day on the E train. Then suddenly it hit all of us at the same time, a smell so foul that it barely even registered as a fart. At first I thought perhaps it was coming from the subway tunnel itself through one of the windows. Perhaps an entire colony of subway rats had all died and were being burned by a trash fire. Perhaps a murder had taken place in the subway tunnel and the body was decomposing. It soon became shockingly clear though that this was actually a human fart.

It happens often enough on the subway and it is usually a minor inconvenience. You just hold your breath for 10 seconds or so and it’s gone. But this time was different. One sniff of this foul beast’s noxious fart could render you completely helpless in seconds. People were gagging, letting out groans, looking around asking “Why? Why? Why?”. It had a lingering power I have not seen the likes of in ages. I have drank Guinness with Mexican food and not even then was I able to come even close to the power of this fart.

The worst part was after the smoke had cleared and everyone became calm the asshole who let this monster loose released not one but two more blasts. It was inconceivable. The sheer unmitigated audacity, to be so cruel to innocent commuters on their way to work. If I hadn’t been rendered so completely incapable of moving or talking I would have searched for the monster that did this.

It reminded me of one of my favorite clips from George Carlin whom I regard as the world’s most amazing comedian. I will leave you with a video of George Carlin giving people some sound fart advice. Please heed his words. Test farts people. Release test farts!

So my co-worker Jarret enjoyed my post entitled “Drunken Subway Thoughts“. He remarked that he was positive I must have edited it before posting though as it was nearly devoid of spelling mistakes. I assured him it was not edited and even showed him that it was posted at 3:45am when I obviously had not sobered up yet. Well, I don’t know what it will prove but I decided to try a sober subway thoughts post just to see what the difference was. I’ll let you be the judge as to whether there is any difference at all.

And off we go….

Hello bald dude in suit and tie. Move your fucking leg so I can sit down. Did you think I wouldn’t ask you to move your leg and you’d have two seats to yourself you fucking douche nozzle?

You can always tell when people that come from money are on the train. They never know where they are or how to get there. They always have this look on their face like ‘I can’t believe I am down here with these people’. I wonder if this rich bitch across from me missed her limo or something. She definitely does not belong in here with us.

I sometimes nod off on the way home if I manage to get a seat. What amazes me are people who can full on sleep while sitting. They aren’t nodding off they are passed out. Snoring even. And yet they always manage to wake up at their stop. The human brain is fucking powerful. Its a shame we don’t use it more.

By the way, dude that wouldn’t let me sit is wearing the fakest watch ever. Its one of those huge watches. I can’t see the name on it but I can assure you it is something like ‘Rorex’ or ‘Roelex’.

Do you talk loud when in a conversation with a friend while on a subway or a bus? I don’t. I don’t know that it is a wrong thing to do per se but it always shocks me that people would want complete strangers to hear about their personal life. The girl two seats down from me just said ‘motherfucker aint got no kinda schoolin’ anyways. Bitch needs to stay the fuck out my life or get dealt with. Just becuz he be my baby’s daddy don’t mean shit besides he’s my baby’s daddy’. This may sound made up but it’s not. Trust me, anyone that rides the subway has probably heard something similar to this. I know I have heard far worse.

Wow! Perfect timing. 5th avenue e train homeless guy is on the train. He has lived in the 5th ave stop since at least 1999. I know because I have seen him there since that long ago. He is special in that he reads the newspaper every day, finds a popular story and then comes up with a short quip about the story that he repeats to commuters all day. For example, he once yelled to me “Dr Phil will help Lyndsay remove her chemical euphoria. If Dr Phil says so it must be true’. I don’t know what exactly he meant by it or if he even meant anything but he is my favorite bum. I actually once thought he would make an excellent blog source. Every day I could video him saying his daily quote. Trust me it would be awesome. This is my first time seeing him on a train and not in a station and he is unfortunately quite silent. Perhaps the station is what he considers his ‘workplace’ and the train is his ‘home’.

Unless you shuck oysters for a living, work in a swamp, or are on a beach you should not be wearing ‘crocs’. These are not every day shoes. They are not even shoes they are crocs! Fucking aye people!

Subway etiquette rule #5, take off your mountainclimber backpack when you get on a crowded train. Every time you turn your body you almost fucking kill someone. Why the fuck do you even need a backpack that big? How long are you going to be out that you need a backpack capable of holding an entire set of encyclopedias. Backpack dude, you are a douche.

So, I was taking the subway home tonight wasted and forgot my headphones. I was too wasted to play solitaire on my phone so decided to type a blog post. I simply wrote about all the people I saw on the subway on my hour long trip. I’m not editing it nor am I even going to read what I wrote. I take no responsibility for it’s contents.

Here ya go…

It smells like a bakery in here which is odd because one, its not a bakery and two I do not see anyone eating anything resembling fresh baked anything.

This guy in the aqua blue and red striped shirt is definitely a complete scumbag

The ivy league dude talking to this girl with the huge tits is only interested in seeing her tits naked. I am too.

Why does this girl have her bicycle in the subway at 1am? Where in the fuck was she riding it? This is delancy street so she wasn’t anywhere near a park. If you have a nice bike why do you need a subway?

I hate people that talk extremely loud about things like “yo that chick was so trying to spit game to you G”. Why is it that you never hear a loud conversation about physics or political science?

I wonder if the conductor realizes that when he makes an announcement it sounds like a fart played through a distorted amplifier at a really slow speed. If he does know why does he continue to make the announcements?

Why is this dude looking at me like he’s tough? He probably is tough but I’m just some guy minding my own business. Does he think I’m a threat? If so that’s pretty cool. Perhaps he just looks like that all the time. That must suck if its true.

No weird tall guy, you can’t look at what I am typing.

Wow….no shirt guy. I had no idea you’d be out this late. Do you know the loud hispanic guys over there? They seem to be talking about you so I figured I would ask.

This guy looks normal but he’s reading a science fair pamphlet. He is either really into science fairs or he’s really bored. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say he’s bored. I read anything too when bored.

Half way home now and these guys are louder than when I first got on. I think I’m jealous of their vociferous frivolity. Did I just type vociferous frivolity? Fuck!

Yay we’re going express I think.

Just caught a guy picking his nose knuckle deep and he is totally aware and uncomfortable. Awkward!

The guy next to him is drunk and sleeping and doing the sway. The sway is when you let your body go completely limp and it moves with every twist and turn of the subway. He wakes up for 2 to 3 seconds on the hard turns but then falls back asleep.

Bye bye bike girl. I hope you hit a rock on your bike and fly over the handle bars.

Wow loud guy number 3 has the gayest laugh ever. It is weird considering his manly demeanor.

Regular dude is still reading the science fair thingy. Wtf?!

Strange white kid with suit jacket and huge headphones enters the train. He is definitely listening to some good hard house but he is also doing faux dance moves and is obviously a bad dancer. He needs to watch my video.

Fuck we’re going local. I’m never getting home.

Never mind we’re just on the local track but we are express.

I wonder if this guy dyes his hair. He definitely uses too much hair gel. That’s definitely dye. The curtains do not match the drapes. Or do they? Does pubic hair go gray at the same rate as head hair? If he only knew what I was typing right now.

Why the fuck are we on the local track? They constantly fuck up the F and E lines on the subway and it pisses me off. I just want to get home.

Uh oh. Russian girl just eye fucked the shit out of me. I think she wants it. You’re gonna get it hottie if you don’t stop staring. Who me? Yeah me. You’re lookin right at me.

Oh snap! That dude is your boyfriend? Talk about awkward couples. You must be 4 feet taller than him. Drop that zero and get with this hero!

Dude you are a grown man. Don’t lay down across three seats and pretend you’re on your bed. Its fucking rude.

I smell cigarettes. Yum. Who the fuck is smoking. Other people smell it too…..I can see it in their eyes.

Oh boy. This dude is definitely wearing red for a reason. We got some gang activity here. Perhaps I should throw up my toiletscribble gang sign? Wait, I don’t have one.

Ok russian girl has her head all snuggled into her boyfriends shoulder yet continues to eye fuck me. That’s just rude and wrong.

Stop trying to read what I’m writing tall dude or I will fuck you up. Well, not physically but in writing anyway.

Why do all the latest sports hats have that round gold sticker attached to it? I know its a trend but its fucking stupid. Its almost as bad as when people left the tags on their hats back in the 90’s. Damn I’m old.

I could really go for some pancakes but my neighborhoos sucks for late night snacks. I’m definitely hitting up dunkin donuts.

Red outfit guy just put on his sunglasses. What a douche bag.

There is an ad in this car from the nypd. It says ‘if you see something say something’ and gives a phone number. Mental note…..tomorrow call number and say ‘I saw something. Not sure what it was but it was something and I wanted to let you know’.

So tired. 2 stops left.

I love rap music. I grew up a metal head but one fine day while on my 15 minute break at SHOP-RITE I ‘found’ a Sony Walkman in the break room. Inside the Walkman was a Big Daddy Kane tape (Long Live the Kane) and it changed my life. The drums were unreal (I am a drummer) and I really dug how Big Daddy would rap about household items such as Calgon bubble bath, 7-up soda and other weird shit. Thanks to Big Daddy I became a huge fan of Tupac, Biggie, Tribe Called Quest, Wu-Tang, Jungle Brothers, etc.

In my 20 years of listening to rap there have been two times that white rappers have impressed me. The first time was Third Bass. Their album ‘Derelicts of Dialect’ was amazing from start to finish and is still fun to listen to today. The next is obviously Eminem who is fucking brilliant. But that’s it. End of story. Case closed. White men can’t rap minus two exceptions. So please young white men of the New York City Subway, stop rapping while listening to your ipod. I love Nas just as much as you do but…. I don’t love YOU singing Nas. YOU sound like an idiot.

And don’t try to prove me wrong or I will just make you look silly.

You may have noticed something about people lately. It does not matter if you live in a small town or a big city but it is more prevalent in big cities. What am I talking about? People that do not know how to walk. That’s right, something you take for granted every day…your ability to walk. You may know how to put one foot in front of the other but that does not mean you know what you’re doing. Please watch and please listen.

I love funny stickers and drawings in the subway. They give me something to read while I am commuting. Every once and a while though I will see something that makes me want to punch someone in the temple. For example, i saw a P.E.T.A. sticker that read “If you wear fur…watch your back”.

I have no major problem with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, other than the fact that I think they are a bunch of whack jobs. I do however take offense to vague threats made on stickers. So PWFC (People With Fur Coats)….I got your back.

So I had a conversation with a few friends yesterday. We were discussing subway and street etiquette and specifically the fact that people never stay to the right when on an escalator which prevents you from passing on the left. The subject got us talking about about all the things we hate on the subway and a big complaint was large people that take up two seats.

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