War sucks. I do not mean the card game, I play that quite a bit and love it. I mean war as in bombs, dead people, bullets, and dumb presidents. I would say that if you polled the entire planet today as to whether war was a good thing or a bad thing you would have an overwhelming response saying it is BAD.
How can that be though? If everyone thinks war is bad why are there always twenty or thirty armed conflicts always in session around the globe? The answer probably lies in the fact that the small percentage of people who think war is a good thing are the very same people running our countries and industries. But it’s also for another reason. the by-products of war. Without war we would be without songs like ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon. That in turn would negate the Captain Kangaroo scene in Forest Gump. Hell, Forest Gump would only be like 15 minutes long if it were not for war. Forest might not have ended up with Jenny and had that little kid who then would not have gone on to see dead people in Sixth Sense.
So if we need war to give us brilliant art but we despise it because of the senseless deaths, what are we to do? I actually think I have a solution. That’s right, some idiot on the internet (ME) has out-thunk the greatest minds in history and has come up with a solution that will allow us to fight wars with ZERO death. Actually, it will probably be more like 99.9% chance of no deaths because accidents happen but that is neither here nor there. So what is the solution? It’s so stunningly simple you are going to slap yourself for not thinking of it. PAINTBALL!
Paintball you say? YES! Why not? Paintball, played by the military branches of the world, would be exactly like regular war but with no deaths (minus the accidents I spoke of above…I mean someone is bound to fall off a cliff or get run over by a truck or something). Everything that war has today would work the same exact way in a paintball war. There will be some minor changes and a few new things added which I will try to briefly explain.
For starters wars would now need referees. Someone is going to have to do the ‘paint checks’. A paint check is basically when someone shoots someone else and hits them but they are not sure the paintball actually broke and got paint on the other person. At this point a referee would stop the action and do a quick spot check. If there is paint then the person is considered dead. If there is no paint the action continues. I know exactly what you are thinking, who will referee? That is an easy one, The United Nations! They already have referee looking uniforms and their blue hats make them stand out as non-combatants.
Victory in a war would come to be much the same way it does already. Either one side gives up or is completely vanquished. Once the hostilities end the losing side basically lays wherever they were shot and stays there until they die a natural death. The best part is that with no food or water a natural death can come in as little as 3 days, less if the battle is being fought in extreme heat or cold. Once the losers are all dead they can be piled up or buried and that is that. No pain, no needless suffering, and best of all no senseless killing. I’m really not sure why this has not been thought of before.
Many of you who read this blog (me and ummm well just me) will probably try to nominate me for a Nobel peace prize or some other major award like a lamp in the shape of a woman’s leg with a fishnet stocking covering. I will not accept any awards though and I ask that you refrain from nominating me for anything. Instead I ask that you go out and buy a paintball gun and mail it to our military along with a copy of this blog post. Our leaders need to know that we will not stand for the senseless killing of others any longer.
