Toilet Scribble

I have an odd sense of humor I think. I was going over my journal postings on OKCupid and came across my very first joke on that site (other than the fact that I signed up). You see, OKCupid has this completion percentage thingy. They require you to do certain things like write a journal entry to make your profile 100% complete. One of the tasks was to write a 1000 character journal entry. I thought it would be funny to write a 1000 WORD journal entry but nobody found that to be a funny thing except me. Anyway, since I have little time to post today I figured I would post that journal entry. So here it is:

Well apparently I can move from a profile that’s 85% complete to a profile that is 87% complete if I just fill this little box with one thousand words!! Don’t you think one thousand is a bit excessive?

And who makes up these rules anyway? And how does the person who makes up the rules come up with them? Does he just roll some dice or throw a dart or what? And is it a HE at all? Perhaps a she? Was it sexist of me to think that someone who makes up rules for a living was a man? Does a female rule maker prefer to be called a ‘Rule Person’? Is there not a book called ‘The Rules’ that was authored by some dopey broad that is probably miserably single? Is the word broad even used anymore?

Did the two above paragraphs just kind of arbitrarily end and begin? I mean I kinda just hit the enter key when there was enough sentences to fulfill what I think a paragraph should be but who knows? Perhaps I should have strived to study harder when I was in school. Then I would know the answer to the following question: How long can a paragraph be until it is no longer considered a paragraph? As long as the idea or topic doesn’t change a paragraph can go on infinitesimally no? I almost have a mind to keep talking about paragraphs in this paragraph for as long as possible. Perhaps even call up the Guinness Book people and see if there are any paragraphs of notable length in their record books?

Can you imagine that? Imagine I wrote the longest paragraph in history. let’s say it was the length of the average bible (or Koran or Torah…I’m into all kinds of fiction). Now imagine that they included it in the actual Guinness Book of World Records!! I would single handedly increase the the size of that book by a few hundred percent. I would be responsible for the devastation of thousands of acres of forest around the world.

Imagine some average Joe walks his ass into a Barnes and Noble for some Starbucks which is already weird because why the fuck would you go to a bookstore for coffee? You know what, let’s pretend this average Joe of ours actually just needed to use the bathroom and happens upon a Barnes and Noble. Much better no? It doesn’t have to even be a Barnes and Noble by the way, it could be a used book store or some quaint little book shoppe that you think only YOU knows about. Anyway, back to Joe. Remember Joe, the guy who needs to take a leak REALLY bad but cannot because you want to argue over Barnes and Noble being some corporate monster that is ruining all the little quaint book stores?

I’m going to start this paragraph indented. Do you have to indent a paragraph? If so, and I begin a new paragraph WITHOUT indenting, does it count? Does God (if God was an English professor) kill a kitten every time he sees a paragraph that beings without an indent? Does God even read? Actually would he even have to? I mean supposedly his will is already written right? So anything that will be written he already knows because it’s part of his master plan. So in a way…..and perhaps I am stretching just a smidgen here…God is the author of everything that has ever or will ever be written. And in that case if there is a paragraph that starts without an indent it’s really his faux pas!!! HOLY CRAP my head nearly exploded there for a second. Shit I forgot about Joe at Barnes and Noble. new paragraph please.

i n d e n t— Well, Joe takes his leak and feels quite refreshed. He gets a chiding from one of the cashiers about not buying anything but using the restroom but he pays her no mind. As he walks from the bathroom, which is up three flights of stairs and all the way in the back of the store (they do that so that if you just go in to take a leak you will be forced to window shop on your way out), he spots the biggest, most beautiful, the most glorious book he has ever seen. It’s the 2009 Guinness Book of World Records. First edition, in hard cover, with glossy photos and a colorful cover! It even comes with a limited edition ’semi-leather’ bookmark with a depiction of a tree being chopped down on it!! One problem, this thing is like 60 pounds! But he has to have it.

Joe drags the huge monster book to the counter. He is a strong guy but this thing is awkward to carry. He tries to throw it up on the counter but instead he launches it and hits the cashier that scolded him earlier right in the temple. She dies instantly…..

After the police talked with the employees and patrons at the store they quickly realized this was a clear cut case of bathroom rage. Joe had been reprimanded about using the bathroom by the cashier and he decided to assault her. He was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death and executed in a matter of days (This whole thing went down in Texas). As he sat in the electric chair waiting for the switch to flip he wondered….’How the fuck did this happen to me?’.

And that’s why I will never attempt to write the longest paragraph in the world. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. It just so happens that the opposite reaction to writing the world’s longest paragraph is death to a random stranger. And that is something that I could live with but would rather not.

Ok time for a summary. Paragraphs are good but don’t get greedy with the length or people can die. This has been a one thousand word post (EXACTLY!!!)